Friday, May 22, 2009

A Boy And His Dog. An Ode To Porn.


With everything that's been going on lately (the chest pains, the seemingly high blood pressure, and the blunt trauma to the eye) I have had a case of down syndrome that would put Corkey to shame.


With that said, A brief respite from my depression is in order. For this particular respite I’d like to offer an ode to porn. I don’t spend much time discussing this particular topic because it’s really none of your business what style of porn I’m currently in to. There is a special bond between a man and his porn. Its private and intimate. Its personal. For the most part a mans porn is the closest thing to a Top Secret Government Assignment that a normal guy will ever encounter. Some will contend that the entire purpose of the internet is solely restricted to porn. Thank you Al Gore!

In all seriousness thought it really is something extremely private. Most of us, no matter how secure and comfortable we are in our romantic and personal relationships feel as small sense of shame when viewing porn. In some ways it adds to the enjoyment of it.

There are also as many different types of porn as there are people. If you have a computer and an internet connection any scenario you could possibly imagine can easily be found at the mere touch of your fingertips. I considered listing all of the possible options but quickly realized how foolhardy this would be.

So what’s my point?

The other day I caught an brief clip of Dane Cook’s “Isolated Incident” (I have the rest of it recorded and intend to watch it someday soon.). He made a reference to a few things that led me to my new favorite porn style.

Now some of you are going “high brow” on me and are tuning out. I’m begging you to stick with me for a little bit longer. If for no other reason than the fact that I only have one good eye and you should take pity on me. I will spare you the electronic trail of bread crumbs that led me here and cut to the chase.

The simple question I’ll ask you is what would you say to watching two girls (or 4 if they go tag team) wrestle for 3 rounds in nothing more than a string bikini? If you are still intrigued then I’ll give you a hint of what’s in store for round 4. The loser get’s what the hare got in Snatch if it got caught.





Real Women Have Curves



The women are real. They are not model perfect. In fact they are far from it and that probably what I find sexiest about them. Yes someone will find it degrading. Someone will find it offensive. Not only do I not care but I'm less than sorry. Fuck off!

And if the "hare in Snatch" reference was too obscure for some of you I’ll offer two choices. You can take the short cut and go straight to it by clicking here, or you can watch this work safe clip and perhaps get an inkling of what I’m referring to. Personally I reckon the hare get’s fucked. Damn I hate Pikeys!

PS - Although I’m developing plenty of favorites I am currently huge fan of Vendetta and The Butcher






Eye Before Ee, Except After Surgery




I’m obviously running out of clever ways to toss the word “eye” into the title. Either the drugs will have to kick in or I’ll just have to quit talking about it altogether.

You will all be pleased to hear that I have survived my surgery in one piece. After arriving home from my first post op appointment I can report that my retina is back in place where it should be. There is still quite a bit of hemorrhaging beneath the retina but the hope is that it will dissipate with time. As with any surgery I have come away with bottles of stuff that I can’t pronounce which contain more stuff that I also can’t pronounce. To be more specific I’ve been given 2 different types of eye drops, one bottle of pail killers (yum), and some weird ass goop in a tube that I have put on my eye each night before going to bed.

My original hope was that I would wake up the day after the surgery and my vision would be clear, the pain would be completely gone, and I would only need to rest for a few days before being able to get back to my "normal" life. Instead it looks as if the road to recovery will be a bit longer than that. Maybe next Tuesday's appointment will bring happier news. Paging Dr. House. Dr. House please report to the stage. The rest of the Band From TV is waiting for you.



Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Burdens Of Being Upright


From the random thought generator I'd like to offer the following. The problem with being an adult is that you have to make decisions. not just for yourself but for others as well. For me the biggest decision I've had to make lately was do I have the surgery or not? The truth is that deep down (or maybe not so deep down) I'm frightened and I want my mommy. How much easier would things be if someone else could make all of the choices for me. I'm freezing, I'm starving, I miss you, I love you, EVERYTHINGS FINE!!!!...

Sign O' The Times?

Since I'm going to be out of commission for a few days I'm sharing the clip of the week a couple of days early.

Each economic downturn in this country has been marked with a specific shortage. I'm not old enough to remember the long lines for gas that my parents had to endure. But a chicken shortage...?!? And how come they didn't interview any white people?

Poison Eye V - or - Its All Fun And Games Until...





Tomorrow morning, sometime near the butt crack of dawn I’ll be making the trek to Overlake Hospital for my eye surgery. The good news (if there is any) is that the amount of blood floating around has decreased some. This means that overall the vision is clearing up some. The bad news is that we’re able to officially confirm that the impact caused the retina to tear away from its normal resting place.



To explain some of what they are going to do I’ll drop some techy speak on ya cuz I’m good like that. But first here’s a few definitions to keep in mind

Sclera – the white part of the eye
Vitreous Jelly – one of the walls of the eye.
Scleral Buckle – think of it as a fancy rubber band with “doo-hickeys”, or a small belt on a fat kid.

So the game plan in layman’s terms is to put me to sleep open me up and fix my shit. In more complex vernacular here’s the low down:

Vitrectomy
In this procedure the vitreous jelly is removed as well as any scar tissue or blood that has built up. Then they replace the vitreous with special fluid or a gas buble.

Scleral Buckling Surgery
In this procedure a scleral buckle will be sewn onto the outside of the eye. The buckle is a bit like a belt that gets put around the eye and squeezes it together. Officially the goal is to compress the circumference of the eye which will in turn releave some of the traction on the surface of the retina.



All in all it sounds very scary and extremely uncomfortable. Oh and did I mention expensive. Please send money Ma!

At the risk of sounding morbid (fuck you I’m entitled) the above info is the good news. I’m told that the one thing I can look forward to within the next year is for my cataract to go bad. Meaning more surgery.

I can also look forward to wearing a contact lens sometime in the near future. I have been told that the change to the shape of my eye will most likely cause near-sightedness. Having had lasik surgery a few years ago I consider this a big set back. I’ve really gotten used to being able to wake up and see without the use of a visual aid.

I intend to do some drinking tonight. Somebody cue up Three Days Grace for me…

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Jackass Of The Week




There are little to no benefits to my injury right now. Spending ones down time doing absolutely nothing more than listening to the TV is pretty brutal. Of course you can hear some pretty funny and outrageous things.

For example did you know that last week the 13 City Council Members in the District of Columbia voted to recognize gay marriages from other states? Initially the vote was 13 yes and 0 no. But then one of the Council members realized what he was voting on and asked for a “do over”. So they re-voted and the new count was 12 – 1 in favor.

I know what you’re wondering. Who would actually go through the trouble of asking for a re-vote? And then have the audacity to vote against it. Why it’s the infamous Marion Barry of course. He of the moral high ground headed up an anti gay marriage rally shortly after the vote where he declared that, “Politicians ought to be moral” because they are “the moral leaders”. He says that he disagrees with the other Council members because he is a “politician who is moral”. He goes on for a little bit more and you can see the vid for yourself below.



Just to recap Mr. Barry’s history here are the highlights.
He was the Mayor of DC from 1979 to 1991. He was unable to run for reelection in 1992 because he was in jail. It seems our Mayoral Moral Compass had been caught in an FBI sting operation. He spent 6 months in jail for possession of cocaine. Way to go boss!

In 1995 he ran for Mayor again. To the surprise of many he won the election. This particular tenure ended in 1999.

In 2005 he was arrested for tax evasion. During this escapade he tested positive for both Mary Jane and (a big Gomer Pile surprise, surprise, surprise) cocaine. Nice!

Fast forward to present time and he’s voting against gay marriage because he is a moral politician.

Mr. Barry, not only are you a 3 time loser but you are an idiot. Not just for your vote on this issue and your complete inability to believe in equality for EVERYONE. You are an idiot for believing that we are stupid enough to look to you for moral leadership.

I’m proud to announce that you are the Jackass of the week! I’d give it to you for the entire year but I’m convinced that Dick Cheney will keep running his mouth.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Eyed Rather Be Golfing



I haven’t posted in a while and that’s mostly due to some personal issues that I have going on right now. Its difficult for me to explain everything that is going on in my life and I only wish some of it was good. If this opening has given you the impression that I’m throwing myself a pity party you’re probably right. Some of you have already heard about this because you were there when it happened or you’ve gotten an email from me on it since then. But for those of you that haven’t…

A little over a week ago during the first day of a 3 day golf vacation I injured my left eye pretty severely. The tale of exactly how I did this is pretty short and not really worth sharing. The current result is a complete inability to see out of my left eye. There was initially a lot of blood floating around on the inside, also known as Hyphema for you medical types. The only piece of good news I’ve gotten over the course of the last week is that some of the blood has clotted up and that the clot is beginning to dissipate naturally.

In the meantime there is some severe damage to my retina. Some of the insides have literally been torn away from where they should be. Again for you med types the official diagnosis is cyclodialysis cleft.

I’ve been to a specialist and am currently in the process of being referred to another, but when it’s all said and done there is a strong chance of needing surgery, but again it is still much too early to know for sure.

So there’s your update. I will most likely be fairly reticent for the near future until life has gotten back to normal

~A


Friday, May 1, 2009

Clip Of The Week

The general rule in Hollywood is that the Summer begins on the day that the first widely anticipated movie of the “summer season” opens. For 2009 this means today.

Today is May 1st and it’s also the opening day for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Next week Star Trek opens. Towards the end of May Terminator: Salvation get’s released. Iron Man 2 is in production.

And most importantly I’m going on vacation for 3 days. In honor of all these things here’s your clip of the week.

Happy Friday Everyone!