Monday, August 31, 2009

Music Inspired By "A Tale Of Two Cities"

So if I were to put a small soundtrack to the events of May 4th and 5th it would probably sound a little like this. These are mostly meant to describe the noise going on in my skull during a paticular 48 hour period.

Enjoy!


Bjork - Its oh so quiet


Metric - Help I'm alive


Sting - Fragile



Stone Temple Pilots - Creep

Friday, August 28, 2009

Simple Jack


As some of you may already know we’re in the process of moving. During this ordeal The Admiral has been doing quite a bit of the search via Craigslist. I’ve never cared for this site myself but she seems to navigate through it pretty well. Below is an email response we got to a query she made. The only thing funnier than the response we got is that we all know that somewhere someone is going to fall for this crap.




From: Jason Grover [mailto:grover_jason@yahoo.com] Subject: Re: $800 / 3br - Kirkland Totem Lake On Greenbelt End Of Road (Kirkland)


Hi, I did get your response concerning the AD I posted on craigslist.The house is still available but presently I'm not around.. I did bid for a portion of petroleum land sometimes ago in West Africa and fortunately I won the bidding so I have to move quickly down to Africa to have my company set up because I will still have to rebid for it in the next 10 years. I came over here with my wife, we both owned the house when we got married. As soon as we settled down here I had a thought of selling the house so I have to look for an agent, after getting one, we got a deal but later my wife advised against that. She said we may not be able to win the bidding next time, in other to keep our head when we return that we have to keep the house. I reasoned with her and accepted her advise. So I contacted the agent back and requested for my keys and documents. Later we decided to have the house rent out because of maintanance, we would have give the same agent this job also but the truth of the matter is that the agent would want to handle it professionally and the occupant may not be able to reason along with me later if I let him or her know that I'm letting it out because of maintanance... If you notice, you will discovered that the price we are offering is far below standard price, this is enough for you to know that we are not after the rental fee but the maintainance.. I know there is no way I can be sure that you are the right person to live in the house because we won't be able to see physical before sending you the keys and the documents to occupy the space. But I just had a feeling that anyone who knows what it takes to put the kind of structure down should know that maintaining a building is mandatory, so if you belief you can take good care of the house and handle it like yours then I will be more than happy to let you rent the house.Please if you are ready now to occupy the house and believe you can assist us in maintaining the house, kindly provide the information below for record purpose.

PLEASE TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF Full Name__________________________________________________

Home Phone ( ) ________________________

Date of Birth_________________________________

Other Phone ( ) ___________________

Current Address_______________________________Apt#________ City__________________ State______ Zip________Reasons for Leaving____________________________Rent $__________Phone ( ) ____________________________

Are you married____________________________

How many people will be living in the house____________________________

Do you have a pet____________________________

Do you have a car____________________________

Occupation____________________________

Your Exact move in date____________________________

How soon can you make the deposit payment________________________

How soon do you want to receive the keys and documents of the house________________________

House Address
12457 NE 136Th Pl

Tale Of Two Cities (part deux) - the worst of Time

Time…

Of all people LL Cool J once defined Einstein’s theory of relativity (in a movie) by making a comparison to the amount of time you spend with a beautiful woman. He said that if you have your hands on a hot girl it can feel as if time goes by way too quickly, but get your hands on a hot pan while its stuck on a stove and time can last forever.

When you suffer from a traumatic impact injury to something as delicate as your eye, and you’ll just have to take my word for this, time can feel like a never ending cycle. The memory of the remainder of this day is built in segments. It is a compilation of snippets in time. Made so in an attempt by my brain to allow me to process the entire event.

Time…

I don’t actually remember the moment of impact. Hell, I’m not even sure I felt it. If I did it was more of a delayed sensation. I screamed. Its what we humans do when we feel pain. We don’t have to, mind you. But we do it just the same. For some reason we want others to know just how much pain we’re in. The higher the level of pain the louder the yell. It’s ridiculous if you really stop and think about it. Wouldn’t we all be better off if we saved our energy a little bit during this particular physical crisis?

Time…

For an instant everything went still. Time stopped. I screamed and then everything sped up so much that I couldn’t keep up. It wasn’t just the outside world. Even my brain and the voices that I call my constant companions went into hyper drive.

What the hell? They asked.

Mother Fucker! They screamed.

Why me! They cried?

Time…

They say that in moments of crisis the human brain slows things down. They say that it feels like everything is moving in slow motion. It’s true. I’ve seen it and experienced it all before. You process things at a faster rate than you normally might. It’s why some people can only perform under pressure.

Time…

I came to my senses when Tate and Gary pulled up along side of where I had curled up. By this time the screaming had stopped and I’d regressed into a fetal rhythm of rocking back and forth. I couldn’t tell you if it was out loud but I know my brain muttered over and over again the word “no”.

It became a litany…over and over and over again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no…

Time…

Now I’m looking for my ball. It’s amazing the stupid shit that becomes important to you during something like this. I actually remember asking Tate if my shot had made it to the green? It hadn’t, and the disappointment of this was more fuel to the fire of my discomfort. I was done for the day; Nay the entire trip. My vacation was at a horrific and abrupt end.

Time…

Self pity can set in fast in a moment like this. So can pride. This was the one vacation I get every year. The one thing I do for me! My sole selfish act. It’s a lot of work to set it all up but from the moment I get on the course and hit that first shot, to the moment I get home, is all over is for me. Now its over! Just like that. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

Time…

To prove that serendipity still exists the Marshall pulls up moments after I get back to my feet. It has become apparent to all of us that my day is over and that I will require assistance back to the clubhouse. After some finagling we load up my gear and wind our way back to the beginning of the course. I remember a feeling of irritation at how long this drive took. The “hand on a hot pot” version of Einstein’s theory was becoming all too clear to me.

Time…

At the clubhouse they gave me a bottle of run of the mill eye drops and all the sympathy that the staff had to offer. Hell they even gave me a refund of my greens fees and a free golf cart so I could follow along with my friends for the remainder of their round (I lasted for another 4 holes). Kindness is larger than Pride my Nana once told me. Kindness is also a lot less painful.

Time…

At some point in a crisis everyone, no matter what your station in life, goes into “survival mode”. I had tried playing the “good host”. But as time wore on my base instinct had taken over. My body and psyche demanded that I dig a foxhole and bury myself into it. I made my way back to the parking lot, got in my car, and drove to the hotel. I have driven while intoxicated before. I’m not proud of this but I have done it. If ever asked to recall the passage home (or wherever I was headed at the time) I could do so without hesitation. Hell I could probably even entertain you with it. My mind has completely blacked out the voyage to the hotel.

Time…

The remainder of the evening was pure CHAOS. Not in a shit all over the room and craziness happening all around me sort of way. I’m talking craziness in my head. There is a scene in the second Matrix movie where Neo is standing in front of several TV screens with different versions of himself on them. At one point they are all talking, and some of them are screaming. I’ve always wondered how anyone could remain sane if that actually happened in one single vessel. I fear that I found my answer that night. I lost my mind.

Time…

In an effort to quiet the cacophony I worked my way to the shower. The warm water and the sound of each stream hitting my body and the walls and floor of the tub managed to calm the crowd a bit. Then Shock set in. Why was the water getting cold? I can feel and see the steam getting thicker. When you’re in a hot shower time goes by too quickly.

Time…

Now I’m in bed. I’ve commandeered one of the extra blankets from the closet. Somehow I’ve managed to turn on the bedside radio. I toggle through the stations until I hear something I recognize. I need something to distract my brain. Something to make me forget that I’m in pain. Something to help me stop thinking about how I may never see again. The first recognizable sound I hear is not a song. It’s a voice. The DJ’s name is Tommy Parker. I spend some time struggling to recognize the name before I realize that it’s a Nome de Plume. Tommy has provided me with some serenity.

Time…

The rest of the gang shows up at the hotel. They want to be supportive. They are legitimately concerned. For my part I’ve finally found a way to ignore the pain. I’m focused on Tommy. Play something else for me Tommy. Give me something to focus on. Tell me that there is more to life than this incredibly horrible existence that I’m currently trapped in.

Time…

The gang has given up on helping me. I’m sure it has everything to do with how grumpy I am at the time. Fuck me for being a bad patient. At this point I’m not “seeing” any upside to what has happened. Death might even be preferable to this. it’s a shame the rock didn’t go clean through my skull and cause me to bleed out. The song “Help, I’m Alive” plays in the background. I begin to lose my hold on reality as they decide to head out to the casino.

Time…

The gang is back from the casino and the one thing I’m certain of is that I don’t care. All I want is to sleep. If I can sleep, then I won’t feel pain. If I don’t feel pain I can make my way to the hospital. I just need to sleep. Tommy Parker signs off and I realize that the one person that was around to help me through this has just abandoned me. Help, I need somebody. Help, not just anybody.

Time…

I take as many Tylenol PM tablets as they are willing to give me. Begging for the Sandman to come my way. Begging for this to have all been a very bad and detailed dream. All the time knowing that it isn’t.

Tomorrow morning I will drive to the hospital. Tomorrow I will fix this thing. If only I can make it to to tomorrow. When your eyesight is good and you are pain free, each moment seems to go by fast. When you’re in extreme pain and discomfort it can feel like an eternity.

time…

Sunday, August 23, 2009

War! What Is It Good For?

So before boring you with the second half of the May disaster I'd like to offer you some "food for thought".

I'll give you a hint...the burger, chicken nuggets, and chicken sandwich represents the United States. The croissant is France. And so on...

Monday, August 17, 2009

A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 1) - The best of times...



A little over 3 months ago I was shot in the left eye by a rock during a golf trip. That’s right folks “I severely injured while playing golf". Sexy ain’t it?


This my friends, is what is commonly known as the big effing elephant in the room.


Several of you have asked for details on both the injury and the ongoing recovery.

How exactly did it happen?

Are you on the mend?

Will you ever be back to “normal”?

In an effort to quiet the hysteria I’ll do my best to convey this long winded tale, in all its glorious detail. But after you’ve lost an hour or two of your life reading all this just remember that not only did you ask for this story...you clamored for it.

May 4th:
Day 1 of a 3 day golf trip begins. I started playing golf about 10 years ago. Since that time I’ve come to love it like no other sports activity I’ve ever played previously. It is the most challenging sport I’ve ever played too. I once heard someone say that they didn’t understand how it could be so damn hard…there’s no one guarding you and the ball doesn’t move. But I’m off track here.

I started the day by hitting a couple of buckets of balls at the driving range. Whorehito and I wanted to loosen up a bit before breakfast and so we decided to start off early. So at around 9 – 9:30 there we were. It became pretty clear to me that the day could be a special one on the course. Every shot I hit at the range had that buttery feel to it. Each one felt effortless. Of course I was hopeful/skeptical that it could continue later that afternoon but the more time that passed the more confident I became. I remember calling out my shots to Geo. “Watch me hit a fade here”, I’d say. Followed by hitting a draw to the same area. For a guy of my limited skill this was pretty amazing.

After spending about an hour at the range we went to eat breakfast and meet up with the rest of the gang. The chit chat was good, the breakfast and early morning brew even better. In fact, the only hint of nastiness for the day was the weather forecast which threatened some serious rain. We were not to be deterred.

The tee times were at 1:03 and 1:12 and with the impending weather the course was relatively vacant. Being a bit restless we got there at around 12:15 or so and unpacked our gear. After checking in some of the guys went to the range. I decided to just do some stretching since I didn’t want to tire myself out. Not to mention not wanting to take away from the good feeling I had at the range earlier that morning.

At about 12:45 I made my way down to the putting green which was conveniently located near the first hole and the Starter. 20 minutes later it was time to tee off. Pairings were sorted and gambling stakes were set. It was time to get it on like bang a gong.

Apple Tree – Par 4 – 369 yards
The first hole is called Apple Tree. It has been named this because of the apple trees that border the right side of the fairway. To be honest I don’t remember seeing any. What I do remember is how nervous I was standing over my tee shot. I also remember the last thought I had before starting my swing. As I mentioned earlier I’d had a really good session at the range. I really wanted to focus on the positive things I’d taken away from that so the last thing I said to myself before hitting my tee shot on number 1 was “just relax, this is going to be a blast”.

The tee shot was a low climber with a hint of a draw on it. Not only was it a good tee shot, but it was better than any of the ones I’d hit earlier that morning at the range. “Huh”, I said out loud as I watched the ball sail off towards the middle of the fairway. I placed the cover on the driver and made my way down the fairway.

I’d decided to walk the course since there were only three in my particular group. My friend Tate had managed to top his drive into the left rough about 130 yards from the tee which left him a good 180 or so to the green. Gary had piped one down the middle, and had somewhere around 115 to the middle of an elevated green, with a front middle pin placement. For my part I found myself standing about 75 – 80 yards out. I smiled to myself as I recalled finishing my range session earlier that day hitting 10 solid 75 yard shots. Talk about too good to be true.

I waited until it was my turn to play and then with Sand Wedge in hand I confidently stood over my shot. There was a sand bunker between me and the green but I was honestly unconcerned. As I began my swing I was borderline cocky about the whole thing. The golf gods abhor cockiness and my ball came up about a foot short and rolled back into the bunker.

Unfazed with this turn of events I confidently stroked my next shot and found myself pin high with about 8 feet left for par. The par putt lipped out and I tapped in for bogey. I’m not that good of a golfer. Certainly not compared to the other folks that were on this trip with me, but I’d just bogeyed the first hole and I honestly felt as if that was the worst I could have done. So with some seriously positive vibes I made my way to the second tee box.

The Olypmics – Par 4 – 353 yards
The view from this hole was pretty awesome. Even on an overcast day like this one was. I couldn’t have sworn that it was the Olympics that you could see but it was some mountain range or another. My buddy Orb used to marvel at how different the terrain is here in Washington by comparison to his home state of Michigan.

I started the hole off with another solid drive down the right side of the fairway. The pin was in the middle and as luck would have it my remaining distance to the middle of the green was just under 150 yards. This meant the 8 iron which at the time was one of my favorite clubs. Every golfer has a “happy club”. A club that as soon as they put it in their hands they are confident that things will go well. When I first started playing the game, my happy club was a Cobra 5 Wood. It didn’t matter what the distance was if I could hit that club I did. Well in early May the 8 iron and I were in love. So standing over my shot my only concern was with pulling the shot left of the green and losing it down a steep hill. The shot landed in the bunker just to the right of the green. A safe miss but I certainly felt a twinge of disappointment that I’d played two holes and had found as many sand traps in that stretch. Still if I was going to miss the green that was the best spot for it. The shot out of the sand rolled to a decent spot about 15 – 20 feet beneath the pin. From there my par putt drifted just short for another bogey tap in. That was two holes down and for someone like myself that just hopes to play bogey golf I was ecstatic.

Sound View – Par 4 – 335 yards
I don’t remember anything special about the view on this hole. What I do remember is thinking about where the best place to aim my tee shot would be. It was a dog leg left hole with a bunker on the left side of the fairway. To make things even more interesting you couldn’t see where the green was from the tee shot. After looking it over a bit I decided to be aggressive and try to hit my tee shot over the bunker on the left. This was the first loose shot I’d hit all day but I still managed to get away with it. The ball landed shot of the bunker and rolled to the right of it safely in the fairway. Whew.

The approach shot was a bit of what we like to call a “tweener”. This translates to in between clubs. I’d estimated the distance to be about 135 – 140 to a back pin placement (it was 130 or so to the middle of the green). In retrospect I should have gone with the safe play but I’d been striking the ball well so I opted for a pinching 8 iron shot that I’d been working on. The shot was a good one but it didn’t hold when it hit the green and so it trickled down over the back edge leaving a nasty chip. This made for the first dumb shit spot of the day. As I walked up to my ball I thought to myself that “eh, you were bound to do that eventually just try to not do it too much. You’ve got a good thing going here”. The ship landed on the edge of the green above the pin. 3 shots later I finally sauntered sullenly off the green. I’d had my first superficial blemish of the day.

The Armory – Par 3 – 147 yards
The group in front of us were still on the hole when we approached the tee box. It was just a par 3 and I could see that none of them had made it to the green yet. Tram was sizing up his chip shot and Jason was walking around to the back side of the green. The delay gave me a chance to rethink the last hole and find some of the good things that I’d done. By the time it was our turn to hit I was feeling a lot better about the whole thing.

Gary had taken the distance and reported that the pin was 142 away. I decided to attempt a fading 8 iron into the green and was rewarded with a ball flight that carried it straight over the flag. Not only was I left with a slightly down hill 15 footer for birdie, but I was the only one in my group to land on the green. I grinned inwardly at how well the shot had gone and tried to set my resolve to making the putt and getting back a couple of the strokes I’d given away on the previous hole. The birdie putt didn’t go in but the par putt did and all in all I felt as if I was back on track.


Four Maples – Par 5 – 469 yards
One of the really nice features about The Home Course are the several different Tee Boxes they offer. I will almost always opt to play from the white tee box. I’m not a long hitter or a low handicapper so its appropriate for my game. My friend Tate can it the ball across the county when he puts his mind to it. The very back tee boxes at this course are known as the Dynamite Tees. They’re even shaped like 3 sticks of dynamite stacked onto each other. It’s pretty cool but not as cool as watching your buddy hit one from there. For this hole the distance from Dynamite is 654 yards. This was the only hole I saw Tate play from there and he got to the green in two shots. Wow. I say again WOW!!

I went into the day’s first Par 5 thinking to myself that the day was going great. I was 4 over through 4 (bogey golf is a good thing for me), I’d only had one really bad hole and I’d managed to rebound nicely from it. The drive landed safely in the fairway and as I stood over the next shot I tried to determine what club I wanted to hit on my third shot. My first thought was to hit the 8 iron on my second shot. To be honest I was thinking that two shots with the 8 should put me on the green. But after thinking about it I decided to hit the 6 iron. If I hit it really well I’d have an easy Pitching Wedge into the green and if I hit it normal I’d have the same shot that I’d screwed up on the 3rd hole. This didn’t seem like such a bad thing as I was looking for some personal redemption.











The shot went well although it drifted a little bit to the right and missed the fairway. It landed about 5 yards away from a relatively large Maple tree but the tree was not going to impede the shot any at all. In fact I had a pretty clear look at the green and the only concern I had was in making sure that I could get the club on the ball enough to clear the sand trap that was guarding the green whilst keeping the ball on the putting surface.

I paced off the distance at being 127 or so yards. The pin was in the back and redemption from before was at hand. This time I was going to hit a stock 9 iron and putt my way home for a par. I took a nice slow back swing and began the aggressive downward swing towards the ball. Seconds later everything went black

To Be Continued…