Foreshadowing (or "Do you like apples?")

By now we've all seen this but it's worth the occasional repost. Keep in mind the movie was released in 1997. Fucking brilliant I tell ya...

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.?

That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed.

Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks.

Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic.

So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the schrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorroids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State.

So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

Shrekalinda

Nuff said

Colt Seavers returns

One of my co-workers has a fantastic idea. The idea is good enough to actually make money and who knows one day we may all say "I heard about the guy that thought that up". The name of his imagined organization is "Fall Guy". Ideally there'd be a website for it. I've checked and as of 5/16/07 http://www.fallguy.com/ is still available.

The premise behind FG is simple. Say you're an athlete, actor/actress, or someone else famous and you've just been busted by some authority figure for what would generally amount to a minor transgression. Maybe you got caught with a weed pipe in your car. You weren't smoking it at the time but it was still there when the cops pulled you over. Or maybe you got bagged during a prostitution sting operation. It could be that you have a cousin that is really into illegal dog fights. Perhaps you were at the strip club last night with your boys and shit got out of control and now someone is in intensive care.

This is where FG comes in. Here at FG we vow to step in during those "uncomfortable" public moments that celebrities often find themselves in. For a fee an FG representative will take the hit for you. Don't worry our operatives are well compensated during their tenure. And their "resumes" are ideal for this type of employment (now ex cons can find solid legal work with minimum risk. Hell, he might even be able to get Federal funding for this idea).

Think about it...this is a concept that we men are all too familiar with. At one point we've all had a buddy that was steppin out on his lady. You suspected it, hell maybe you even knew about it, and then the phone rang. It was his girlfriend/wife asking if you guys were having a good time. You choked down the "what do you mean" and muttered a "yah we're having a blast but he's in the bathroom right now praying to the porcelain goddess". She says tell him I called and closes with a small invocation of affection and you hang up. You've done your duty as a man. You've provided the "air cover" to his "ground assault" as it were. You congratulate yourself on your quick thinking and vow to have a talk with your buddy the next time you see him. After all, you've earned details.

This is the basis of Fall Guy. When the proverbial shit hits the fan FG will step in and say to anyone willing to listen "my bad". Or "is that where I left that". Or the ever favorite "I appreciate you trying to cover for me but I can't allow you to take the rap for that shit". Frickin Genius I tell ya.

Here's a list of our potential clients:

• Eddy Murphy
• Hugh Grant
• Mike Vick
• 2005 - 2006 Minnesota Vikings
• Randy Moss
• Paris Hilton
• Brittany Spears
• Lindsey Lohan
• Tommy Lee
• Ron Artest
• William Jefferson Clinton
• Newt Gingrich
• Rush Limbaugh
• Saddam Hussein

The list could go on forever. I'm telling you there is some serious merit in this idea. And now for no other reason than the fact that it gives me great delight, here is Lee Majors and the theme song to "The Fall Guy". Remember how hot Heather Thomas was back then?

Seacrest out...

Sorry for that title but I really couldn't help myself.

So another night of American Idol has come to a close. With a glass of Glenmorangie 18 in hand and the foot up on the couch The Admiral and I sat watching as the final three remaining performers put their best foot forward as it were. For those of you that don't really pay any attention to this (I'm more of a Survivor fan myself) here's who's left:



Jordin Sparks

Hailing from Arizona (she auditioned here in Seattle), and at the tender age of 17 Jordin actually reminds me of some of the very talented female R & B artist from the 80's. If you made me pick one person based on the entire presentation (let's face it singing is almost as much about looks as it is vocal talent) she'd be my choice.



Blake Lewis

Local (for The Admiral and I) boy gone big. If there's one contestant in the field that has a unique style their very own its Blake. During those occasions when he's on stage and truly in the moment he is (for lack of a better word) "groovy". I mean that as a compliment. I've already posted the Bon Jovi song he did and he does have the ability to turn an old favorite into something new and exciting.



Melinda Doolittle

Without question she is the most talented vocalist to take the stage for America Idol in its 6 seasons. I haven't seen all her performance (not by a longshot) but I'm assured that there have been few, if any, bad ones and several exceptional ones. As sheer singing ability goes she is without peer on the show and has been from the start. Her biggest hurdle will be her physical appearance (she looks like a troll).



Judge for yourself:

1. Vanilla Ice - Ok so he's not a "singer" but he still has more skill than Brit Brit. I refuse to comment on his alter ego and what's up with none of the judges recognizing the song? I know 311 didn't last long but give me a break guys.




2. Shrekalinda (seriously just look at her) - Couldn't tell you if it was one of her best but I LOVE this song way too much to pass up on this one.




3. Jordin (Piss off I'm partial) - Not the song I'd hoped to put up but the girl just exudes class in this clip.


Oh who the hell am I kidding? Shrek is going to win this thing by a landslide.

It's In The Game

I doubt that this is real but for all you "gamers" out there this is pretty
damn funny! (I have copied this "letter" in its entirety)

Lowest rated player on Madden 2007 fires angry letter to game creator.

To: John Madden

CC: Electronic Arts Sports

From: Ethan Albright

Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John,

My name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is ****ing bullshit and you should kiss my mother-****ing ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ****ing 12. I rate you a ****ing 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. ****, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!

John, you are such a ****ing dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a ****ing zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my ****ing face. **** that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a ****ing lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass ****wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

**** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

Carrie Fisher Loves Chocolate...

Some of you will get this right off the bat and for others it may take a little bit longer.

Courtesy of the Purple Painted Wonder.

Drink of the week

As I was trying to decide what exotic concoction should be this weeks DOTW something remarkable occurred to me. When I lived in Monterey, CA (1994-1996) I would often frequent the local pubs (some things never change). My favorite drinking site, more for hook-up opportunity than anything else, was the Mucky Duck. Back then a pint of "good beer" ran $4. Go to any local pub today and you will find that a pint of "good beer" will still run you about $4. So in honor of this, I hereby declare this weeks DOTW to be the pub pint. Let's hope OPEC doesn't get their mitts on our beer.