Go See Cal

If you are in charge of a Sales force somewhere you may want to consider giving this guy a job. No, not Cal Worthington. The guy selling the mini-van out of Craig's List. Yes it’s long but if you read this thing all the way through, you almost feel like you should buy the van yourself. Or at least help him coax someone else into it.

Damn you Craig’s List! Damn You!

1995 Plymouth Grand Voyager LE - $1000 (Rainier Valley)
Reply to: sale-765875060@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-22, 3:56PM PDT

1995 Plymouth Grand Voyager LE “Rallye” Edition

I’m not going to lie to you. This car will change your life.

I bought this minivan in June of 04. I remember me back then: no prospects, jaded and selfish. I was an angry person. I needed to sell a classic car for something a little more modern (read: more space and didn’t break down all the time). I had a minivan previously that a friend sold to me for practically nothing. It was the same make and model only a few years older and for full disclosure a raging hunk of crap.

These minivans have never been very good. For as many as the Chrysler Corp sells, you’d think they’d make them way better. The Plymouth/Dodge minivans have notoriously crappy transmissions and guide valves, among other serious faults so I was apprehensive about buying another van then having to pay to fix the tranny (which costs more than the value of the car).

Then I met Mrs. Beepers here.

The guy who I bought it from was the original owner. It had low mileage for it’s age and he was old and kinda ugly so I didn’t see any kids running around. I’m feeling pretty confident that this mobile has never had the kid-puke treatment to the interior. And me being sterile (lawn dart accident) there have pretty much been no kids in the car. The ashtray was clean so I’m thinking he didn’t smoke in it and I don’t at all. When we came up with a price, he kinda flashed one of those devious smiles like the old shop owner in Gremlins who handed over the gremlin to the dad to give as a present.

Don’t get them wet and don’t feed them after midnight?!! That’s like giving a nuclear bomb to a monkey and putting a tempting oversize banana-yellow button on the top as the detonator.

I paid the man and rolled out in my next minivan.

Over the next few months, Beepers served well at its intended function. I am a photographer and I used it primarily for photoshoots for my models to get dressed in. It was a great life. We spent countless hours of quality time together… until Christmas Eve. I woke Christmas morning to go for a walk and noticed my car door open. Someone had befouled Beepers by breaking in and stealing the contents. I had a photoshoot the previous night and felt safe leaving my old lighting kit in there overnight. It was Christmas and my stuff was gone.

Violated by Santa Claus? I thought the same thing until I called my renter’s insurance company. They sent me a check for the REPLACEMENT value of my gear. To be honest, all of that stuff worked, but some of it was old and sucked.

One month later, I come outside to go to a job only to notice the dry patch on the street where the van used to be. Some maniacs stole my car. Seriously, what kind of crack smoker steals a minivan? If TV and movies have taught me anything, you ALWAYS steal either a muscle car or something tragically expensive.

Beepers was gone. I was starting to think I had bought one of those cars built on an Indian burial ground. Three days later, I got a call from the cops telling me they had found the car. I show up at the tow place to find a completely empty car. They took everything out of it there was including my garbage and left… yep you guess it: a crack pipe!

Again my renter’s and car insurance companies hooked me up with more high-dollar checks. Awesome.

A little while passed with much happiness and joy. I loved her and she loved me by never breaking down, starting like a champ and getting pretty good gas mileage. I also work for a delivery company so she had access to a fleet mechanic whenever she got that “not so fresh” feeling.

And them BLAAAMM! An oncoming sexy little Honda CRX turns in front of Mrs. Beepers. No signal, no warning. Let’s face it, this is a minivan with a huge 3.3 liter engine, four captain’s seats, and a bench in the back so it seats seven happy people. Although she’s well endowed, she does have kind of a big behind. She slammed into her rear quarter panel sending the CRX into a truck stopped at a red light on the street it was turning on to. As I leaned back from the steering wheel, I could sense Mrs. Beepers gloating. She taught a thing or two to that smarmy little CRX.

The impact, however slight, was enough to total both cars but Beepers, the plow horse that she is, drove away from the accident needing a serious nose job. I also got a pretty nice hernia from straining into the seatbelt.

So she sat there for awhile, still exhilarated from her street fight, but I was torn whether or not to fix her. She had been so good to me, but fixing a totaled car is often a silly idea. So I had a mechanic look up her skirt and make sure she was still solid. Clean bill of health.

During all of this, a windfall of checks floated in from the other driver’s insurance (and $1500 for the hernia!). Did you know that I made a ton of money by hitting a driver who switched to Geico? I ended up buying another minivan while deciding Mrs. Beepers’ fate. It was bigger and newer but didn’t have much soul. I suspect the new van is secretly plotting to kill me with burning oil fumes or something.

So I decided to fix her up and I used the bodywork guys nearby. They do awesome work, but I told him the deal and he assured he’d do it real cheap. And dammit, he did it really cheap! The problem is it looks kinda like one of those nose job photos that they use to convict drug-addict plastic surgeons.

The front grill and headlights look a little wonky and the front bumper is a different color from the rest of the trim. Kind of like when you spend the day in the sun and notice the still pale skin under your bathing suit. Yes Mrs. Beepers is showing her tan lines, but she’s proud and empowered.

Since the shake up, I’ve been letting my girlfriend drive her. She really was the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. Smart, funny, cute, emotionally mature, and only a little crazy. We had an awesome relationship up until I decided that I ~really~ loved her. I didn’t do anything drastic like asking her to marry me or share bank accounts or even get matching pantsuits, but that tiny little difference SCARED her. She felt trapped and slowly backed away. I’ve been going nuts for three months trying to do everything I could to bring her back to happy.

All the while, she promised me that she would buy Mrs. Beepers only to bring the van back and a final goodbye. Left inside the car were little “clues” that she has moved on. It’s so hard to imagine someone I loved so deeply as being so cruel.

As much as it felt so good to drive this van around again, it’s also stained with my heartache. I would want nothing more than to keep it and drive it when I’m feeling hateful about my newer van, but it’s a tearful reminder of what I once had. Don’t get me wrong, I’m feeling better each day and have gained a lot of perspective since the breakup, but I think I have to get rid of this thing to help me heal completely.

_________________________________________
Beyond the front end, this car is the best mini I’ve ever owned because every other one I had cost me thousands to operate. Breakdowns, stalls, total meltdowns, etc. In the entire time of ownership, beyond the regular maintenance like oil, plugs, filters, I have only needed to replace the EGR valve. Whatever the hell that is. Some things I replaced because she was being good (new oxygen sensor!). This baby is solid in every other way. Mechanically, she’s awesome except for the wonky looking headlights and the off-color front bumper and the scratched up back bumper. At least it doesn’t have a blue quarter panel and an orange hood!

I owe a lot to this car. It’s the only car I’ve ever bought that actually made me money. It also ensured that my girlfriend could sleep over at my place. She lives on Cap Hill and sleeping there is like trying to sleep during a prison riot. Because of this car, I actually have a retirement account. Let me break it down:

Me before Mrs. Beepers…
1. Broke
2. Lazy
3. No taste
4. Ugly
5. Incontinent
6. No future
7. No girlfriend

Me after Mrs. Beepers…
1. I have a savings and an IRA
2. I’m a mean go-getter
3. I own a bunch of sweet original art
4. Dead sexy
5. Depends!
6. I’m going places!
7. Again, no girlfriend

I did have a lot more hair before I bought this car, so if logic holds true, you’ll probably go bald too. And try not to let anyone you love drive it. It might end up badly.

OK you’ve read this far. That means you really want this car so I’ll give you some particulars:

135,000 miles
3.3 liter V6 engine (you can tow a trailer if you get the tow package)
Automatic transmission
Power steering
Power brakes
Power door locks, windows, and mirrors
Power back wing windows
Tilt steering wheel
Keyless remote
Roof console
Tinted windows
Premium Infinity speaker system with amplifier.
AM/FM Tape deck
Alloy wheels
2 back captain’s chairs and 1 bench seat (all removable)
Leather wrapped steering wheel
Clear title
Maintained by a fleet mechanic

I’m not completely sure what the “Rallye” edition means. I think it’s just the bigger engine and the two toned paintjob (white/silver trim).

I want $1000 for it. Kelly Blue Book (KBB.com) values this car at $2920 for the “good” rating. Even if you consider it “fair” since it’s been in an accident, they still list the price at $2450. I’m asking less than half of what it’s valued at and the exact price it will cost me to move into a new apartment. If you’re buying a car as an investment, don’t buy this car. If you want something that’s safe, sound and sweet that will roll for a long time and don’t care about its value, Mrs. Beepers is your girl. This is the classiest way to get places with six of your children, homies, or naked models. You decide!

I do recommend having insurance because of her spotty past. She might just make you rich like me. That is if you love her like I did.