I Need A Summer Home In Russia

A man who tried to rob a hairdresser in Russia wound up being handcuffed to a radiator, force fed Viagra and kept as a sex slave for three days by the salon owner, a 28-year-old woman.

Karate black belt Olga Zajac felled Viktor Jasinkski, 32, with a single kick when he entered her shop in Meshchovsk, intending to rob her, the Daily Mail reports.

Jasinkski went straight to police after his ordeal, telling them Zajac dragged him into a back room and tied him up with a hairdryer cable.

She then stripped him naked and handcuffed him to the heater, feeding him nothing but Viagra to "teach him a lesson," he told police.

When police questioned the hairdresser she called Jasinkski a "bastard" for dobbing her in.

"Yes we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1000 roubles when he left."

Both Zajac and Jasinkski have been arrested.

Browncoat Humor

Independance Day gag from some folks that fought for the Independance.

Remember Remember The 4th Of...

Err, you get the idea.

One of my all time favorite songs on one of the more appropriate days to listen to it.



Tchaikovsky - Overture 1812 by beautifulcynic

49 Hours 33 Minutes Ago

That's the aproximate time I opened up the email from my buddy Tim. It's also a fair estimate for how long this has been stuck in my head. I think I may have even dreamed about it.

Clip O' The Week - Get Yer Sci Fi On

Good Sci Fi can be tough to come by these days.

The Archiver from Artfx on Vimeo.

With Friends Like These...

It doesn't matter that you can't understand what they're saying. This is funny in any language.

Enjoy!

Suhweet New Music Sunday- No Sleep Til Brooklyn

All star cast for this one and these Boys haven't missed a beat since the 1980's.

Get Some!

New York State of Mind

Way to go New York. Congratulations!

Mid Week Music

You Just Might Find...

Last summer The Admiral and I were living in a beautiful 2 bedroom townhome style condo that was just minutes away from just about everything we wanted to do in life. We were renting it and the price, although a little more than some of the other places we'd looked at, was well worth it.

More importantly it was the perfect size for us. Unlike the 900 some odd square foot place we'd lived in the 5 years previous, this place was large enough that it didn't feel like we were standing on top of each other everytime we sneezed. In the end we had to move but it served as a model for what we would be looking for if we ever wanted something more permanent.

The chain of events that caused us to move from the condo grated and irritated enough for us to come up with a plan that involved renting a space with a dear friend in the hopes of saving enough money to not have to move again for a while. The plan, while requiring some sacrifice was a good one, and like Leroy Jenkins we were all in and ready to "do this".

A month ago we started taking the browsing process a little more seriously than just perusing ads in the paper or on-line. Because of our experiences over the last few years we had a pretty good idea of what was on our shopping list.

• Minimum of 2 bed rooms



• A place for some storage (garage)



• A short commute to work and family for The Admiral



• Fireplace



• A nice kitchen for The Admiral



• A more modern look for both the place and the community



• And most importantly IT HAS TO BE AFFORDABLE

This last bullet was essential, because if we couldn't afford the monthly payments then quite frankly what was the point?

So off we went on our search. In all we saw about 2 and a half dozen different properties. Most of them were condos/townhomes. Neither of us are fond of doing yard work. Our first discovery was that it was going to be hard to find something that fit all of our criteria. This isn't unique in this process but it's the sort of thing you have to come to grips with in a hurry.

A half dozen of the places we looked at were in the same complex as the condo we'd lived in a year ago. This was great, because it meant we new what to expect by way of size and ammenities. We knew we'd be comfortable there which made things easy. All of the available units were Short Sales so the pricing wasn't set in stone. This presented some challenges because you couldn't really know how much you'd truly have to pay. Tack on the HOA dues and it was beginning to seem unaffordable.

2 of the places we instantly fell in love with were more than just nicely refurbished. They were also priced well and in the same complex as The Admiral's uncle. It seemed almost too good to be true. Close to family - check. Short commute - check. Gorgeous kitchen - check. Fireplace - check. Enough square footage, including storage - check. Affordable - che...wait what's this crap about $350 a month for HOA?

I ran the numbers and realized that it would mean an extra $20,000 over 30 years just for that extra $60 bucks. Yikes!!! A couple of weeks into the process and I was ready to call it quits. I felt financially inadequate, and the entire venture just seemed to be too much to handle. I'd calculated how much we could afford on a month to month basis and we were striking out at every turn.

"Were we going to be able to find a place that looked the way we wanted?

"Was there even a chance that we could afford it?

How does anyone ever get what they want in this type of an economy?

Last weekend after touring another half dozen places with our Agent we decided to put the top down on the Cruiser and drive around looking at places in areas outside of the geographical area we'd been concentrating on. It was a Beautiful Balmy Seattle Day and it felt nice to just drive around and play "what if".

We mostly saw some stuff we couldn't afford. Truth. But towards the end of the day we pulled into Dunhill Terraceon a whim. We left realizing that if there was any possibility of the pricing working out the way we hoped, we would be living there. An enthusiastic text to our Agent secured us a return visit later in the week.

I began coordinating with our Loan Originator on pricing and loan approval immediately. The four of us strategized on the best approach and came up with a game plan.

The true difficulty for us was that the home wasn't built yet. To say that our negotiating strength was low would be a huge understatement. So in our final budget planning we assumed that we'd be paying full price and eating all of the closing costs.

But we'd decided that to have a brand new home that noone else had lived in yet would make that sacrifice seem more than just small. It would be miniscule.

>

So ladles and germs there you have it. Today The Admiral and I signed the paperwork for our very first home and were pronounced Homeowners. I cried a little behind my sun glasses once we got in the car.

We paid a little more than we wanted. And the house is a little further away from family and work than we wanted as well. But it's new and it's ours.

It's true what they say. You really can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes...

The Contenders -- Ooooo Pretty

Technically Sarah Palin isn't actually running for President (yet). I like to think of this bus tour of hers as an over amped exploratory committee. She's gauging the countries reactions.

There are lots of cheers and applause at her events. People seem to genuinely love her and respect her. The rest of us have stopped staring at her tits long enough to actually listen to what she's saying.

Me personally? I'm a big fan. I hope she never leaves the lime lite, because then I'd be forced to write about actual news.

Most recently she spent a day in Boston getting a tour of Freedom Trail. When asked to comment she had this to say.

He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed.

The "He" that the former Vice Presidential candidate is referring to is Paul Revere. And this was her historical recollection of the famous "the Red Coats are coming" ride through town. I remember 5 grade vaguely but even I can recount the "2 if by land, 1 if by sea" story.

He used lanterns to warn the Colonist because that was the plan they'd worked out in advance. If they come by boat I'll carry 1 lantern. If they come through the hills I'll carry 2. I'm sure the guns and bells thing would have worked out just fine, but that's just not how the story worked out.

Thank you Sarah. You are the gift that keeps on giving.

How Did I Not Know About This? - We're Here. We're Queer...Well Most Of Us Anyway

Every once in a while I come across a story that makes me scratch my head wondering how I didn't already know about this. Well this certainly qualifies.

As for the picture. C'mon! Who's he kidding?

Gay softball league limit on straight players OK'd
By GENE JOHNSON
Associated Press

SEATTLE (AP) - A gay softball organization that runs an annual tournament called the Gay Softball World Series can keep its rule limiting the number of heterosexual players on each team, a federal judge has ruled.

The decision came in a lawsuit filed by three men who say they were disqualified from the annual tournament because they weren't gay enough. They said in the suit filed last year that their team's second-place finish in the 2008 tournament in Washington state was nullified because they are bisexual, not gay, and thus their team exceeded the limit of two non-gay players.

U.S. District Judge John Coughenour said Tuesday that their suit can proceed to trial. But he also ruled that the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance, which also oversees gay softball leagues in dozens of U.S. cities, has a First Amendment right to limit the number of heterosexual players, much as the Boy Scouts have a constitutional right to exclude gays.

"It would be difficult for NAGAAA to effectively emphasize a vision of the gay lifestyle rooted in athleticism, competition and sportsmanship if it were prohibited from maintaining a gay identity," the judge wrote.

However, Coughenour said questions remain about the way the softball association applied its rule, including whether the questions asked about the men's sexuality at a protest hearing were unnecessarily intrusive. Therefore, the case can proceed toward a trial set for Aug. 1, he said.

The San Francisco-based team the men played on, D2, was disqualified after others at the tournament questioned their sexuality and filed a protest. Under questioning, the men, Stephen Apilado, Laron Charles and John Russ, were evasive or declined to discuss their sexuality, according to the organization.

For example, minutes of the hearing say that Charles claimed to be gay but acknowledged being married to a woman, and Apilado initially said he was both gay and straight but then acknowledged being more attracted to women.

The minutes say rumors had persisted for years about whether D2 was stacking its team with straight ringers. In addition to the three plaintiffs, the team had two designated straight players. The organization says it has always considered bisexuals to meet the definition of "gay" for roster purposes, but the minutes also note that one official involved in the decision to disqualify D2 commented that "this is not a bisexual world series. This is a gay world series."

"Plaintiff's allegations about defendant's treatment of bisexuality remain of central importance to this case," the judge said. "Defendant could still be liable for its actions."

Chris Stoll, a spokesman for the National Center for Lesbian Rights in San Francisco, which is representing the three men, said Friday its lawyers were reviewing the opinion and legal options.

"We think that the law is clear; NAGAAA doesn't have a First Amendment right to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation," he said.

Clip O' The Week - Dickie Dawson's Revenge

No one did it better than Richard Dawson. Well maybe Gene Rayburn, but that's like comparing Obi Wan to Yoda. Where do you think Dickie got his swagger from?

And since D-Squared left the show they've gone through name after name trying to find the right guy.

Louie Anderson - too fat
Richard Karn - too much of a side kick
John O'Hurley - too "Mr. Peterman" ish

And now the latest is Steve Harvey. I was skeptical when I heard he had gotten the gig. Skepticism begone. Be sure to watch all three in order. I saved the best for last.

Ooooooo rock me Ammadeus!

The Contenders - Rick Santorum

This man wants to be your President.

The word Santorum is litterally defined as "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."

As a co-worker of mine said, "tough break on the name dude!"

New Music Monday - Blue, Grey, Arsenic and Lace

There's something really pure and pristine about this duo. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Things I Wish I'd Written -- I always figured Supe for a "briefs" guy

Courtesy of the folks at geeksaresexy.net

Clip O' The Week - POTUS Doin Work

Pimpin' made easy. He's not just the most powerful man in the free world, he's the coolest! Here's the Clip o' the week.

It's Been Nice Knowing You All But...

I'm moving to Brazil

Brazilian Woman Wins Right To Masturbate At Work

Posted by Real News Reporter on May 13th, 2011

Ana Catarian Bezerra is a 36-year-old Brazilian woman who suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality. Ana, an accountant by day, began to have problems at work because the only way to relieve said anxiety is by masturbating. A lot. Now, after winning a court battle and seeking professional medical help, Ana is allowed to masturbate and watch porn — using her work’s computer, no less — legally.

Ana wasn’t always like this, she was worse:
“I got so bad I would to masturbate up to forty seven-times a day. That’s when I asked for help, I knew it wasn’t normal.”
Carlos Howert, Ana’s doctor, prescribes Ana with a “cocktail” (read: an entire medicine cabinet’s worth) of tranquillizers. We’re not sure how that “cocktail” doesn’t knock Ana out (half a Claritin feels like an elephant tranquillizer to us), but thanks to Dr. Howert’s concoction, Ana only has to masturbate around eighteen-times a day.

So, like, a little less than Elvis Crespo.

Of course all of this sounds absurd and hilarious to most us but for Ana it’s probably anything but. Last April she had to take her employer to court in order to be allowed to masturbate during work hours. Ana won.

Still, imagine an office full of of scandalized and perverted stares as you exit the bathroom or bend down to pick up a pencil — awkward? Very. Also, as a woman, having a bunch of men knowing you’re a clinical nympho probably doesn’t help deter unwanted sexual advances.

Georgia On My Mind

Kudos to you if you get the opening joke. Now for a couple more:

A rolling idiot gathers no moss.

Look! Newton was right.

It's almost like Steve McQueen really did make the Great Escape to the Alps. Almost.

The Georgian judge gave him a 3.5 for lack of commitment.

Thankfully he was wearing a camera on his helmet, "and for that we thank you". For putting up with my "Tosh-like list, here's the referenced clip as your reward.

Talkin' Ain't Doin

I know I'm late to the party here but this is so damn funny that I can't stop watching it.

Sometimes you can over plan. The 1:23 mark says it all. Thumbs up let's do this!

Clip O' The Week - Judgment Day

Let's just suppose that The Machines finally decide to take over shall we? Here's this week's clip.

Ducked and Covered: A Survival Guide to the Post Apocalypse from Nathaniel Lindsay on Vimeo.

New Music Monday -- Be Your Own Dog

I dare you to not enjoy this one! Go on. Get up and dance. You know you want to.

Clip O' The Week - Talent Defined

There's plenty of no tallent hacks available in the music industry (see Ke$ha). A lot of times all you really need is a decent body and the ability to dance well on stage while wearing close to nothing (I hear Brittany has a new album). I'm a guy so I'm not complaining much. But it's really refreshing when someone comes along and just drops a note on you so strongly that all you can do is sit there and listen. It's a marvelous thing. That's what Adele has done to me.

But maybe she's just one of those that sounds good in the studio but not so much live. What would she sound like in your favorite coffee shop or pub. Could she wow you if she was in your living room? What about on a roof top?

Here's your Clip O' The Week

Nuvo For Her

Nuvo For Her has done relatively well in the marketplace. They've targetted themselves specifically towards women. I personally don't care for the way it tastes but it's not made for me so who cares.

The new extension that they are coming out with tastes 10 times better. This summer they will be releasing a Lemon flavored one and a Cocomut flavored one. And to kick it all off they have released the below video.

Giggidy!

Howard Shultz Saved Seattle

For the last couple of days we’ve been having a fun little conversation at work that was sparked in part by a video gone viral of a Seattle Sonic fan being a D-Bag at a book signing. First off, not all Sonic fans are d-bags. Most of them are decent folk, but every so often the morons gather, put on their hoods, grab their pitch forks, and go a-huntin’. It’s been this way since the dawn of time.

There is a group of people that blame Howard Shultz for Seattle’s current lack of an NBA team. He sold the team in 2006 to Clay Bennett. Part of this sale was based on Clay’s “good faith” promise that he would take good care of the team and make every effort to keep them in Seattle. We all knew Clay was lying but the truth is that no one else was going to buy the team and Howard didn’t want to own it anymore. So he sold it to Bennett who, as predicted, moved the team to Oklahoma.

When you strip it down to its base, the gist of “Howard Shultz is the Devil” argument is that if he had never sold the team to Clay Bennett, Bennett would not have been able to move them to Oklahoma City. The conspiracy theorists believe that Howard had to know that this would happen, and if he didn’t then he is clearly a moron so we should hate him for not knowing, or for knowing and doing it anyway. Hell let’s hate him for both. That’s what Evil deserves.

I’m not sure how to simplify this more but I’ll take a crack at it.

Let’s say your neighbor sells his house to someone. Your new neighbor, let’s call him “Ray Tennant” let’s the house and yard go to shit. He’s parking old beat up cars on the lawn. What lawn you can see has 3 foot high grass on it. Some of the windows are broken and have been “repaired” with plywood. The paint is peeling; the roof is a mossy mess. His property value is taking a nose dive and yours is plummeting right along with it. You’re not happy with him but you’re even more upset with your old neighbor. He was a decent neighbor when he lived there. He kept the yard looking good. He was always around when you needed to borrow something, and always returned your shit promptly when you loaned it to him. But then he went and sold his house to Ray. What an asshole! Now you’re stuck living next to this eyesore.

Your old neighbor was tired of living there and wanted to sell. No one else was buying but Ray and the offer was good. Deep down he knew he was kidding himself when he believed Ray’s “I’ll take good care of her” comment, but are we really so petty to begrudge a guy for selling his house to the only one that wanted to buy it?

I ask this question because, some have actually screamed that he should have kept the team, even though he didn’t want to be a part of the NBA any longer.

So let’s rewind the clock back to 1998. The Seattle Sonics, at that time owned by the Ackerley Group, let George Karl go. This, sports fans, was the true end of professional basketball in Seattle. All George Karl had accomplished in his 7 years as HC was to win over 55 games every year and make the playoffs EVERY YEAR! To include a loss in the 1996 finals to Superman, Batman, and Rodman (arguably the best trio in NBA history). But Ackerley, and General Manager Wally Walker weren’t happy with this. A change had to be made. A decision that Walker would later say he regretted.

In 2001, after a failed attempt through the local government at getting a new stadium, Ackerley sold the team. In truth the team would have moved elsewhere if not for Howard Shultz. Let me say that again, because it bears repeating. Howard Shultz was the only thing that stood in the way of Seattle losing the Sonics in 2001.

No Sonics in Seattle back then would have meant, No 2 time WNBA World Champion Seattle Storm. No Head Coach Nate McMillan. No Ray Allen in Seattle. No Rashard Lewis…and in all fairness to the conspiracy theorist…yes it also means No sale to Clay Bennett. But for 5 years we had an NBA franchise when hordes of people outside of Seattle, to include the troll known as David Stern, tried to steal them from us.

This alone could be enough to give Howard a pass for his perceived sins against Sonics fans. At least it should be. But since it isn’t I want to point something else out.

Howard Shultz is a successful business man. He could call any city in the world his home. After all, he is the Chairman and CEO of a little known company called Starbucks (perhaps you’ve heard of them). . He could have his corporate office anywhere in the country if he wanted to. But he doesn’t and he hasn’t. He lives here in Seattle. If he wanted to move the company headquarters to Chicago no one in Seattle could stop him. We couldn’t stop Boeing from doing it in May of 2000. What makes us think we could stop Shultz.

Howard Shultz could take his money, his company, and all the revenue that the Seattle economy thrives on and move it to Singapore if he wanted to. Imagine how quickly Seattle would become Detroit or Cleveland if we lost Starbucks and/or Microsoft.

I could finally afford to buy a house. Maybe I’ll become your neighbor. Don’t worry though. I promise to take could care of the place.

Things I Wish I'd Written - The What If Game

Washington DC / Politics / Policy & Issues
Tim Wise: Imagine if the Tea Party was Black
April 25th, 2010 9:07 am ET

Let’s play a game, shall we? The name of the game is called “Imagine.” The way it’s played is simple: we’ll envision recent happenings in the news, but then change them up a bit. Instead of envisioning white people as the main actors in the scenes we’ll conjure - the ones who are driving the action - we’ll envision black folks or other people of color instead. The object of the game is to imagine the public reaction to the events or incidents, if the main actors were of color, rather than white. Whoever gains the most insight into the workings of race in America, at the end of the game, wins.

So let’s begin.

Imagine that hundreds of black protesters were to descend upon Washington DC and Northern Virginia, just a few miles from the Capitol and White House, armed with AK-47s, assorted handguns, and ammunition. And imagine that some of these protesters —the black protesters — spoke of the need for political revolution, and possibly even armed conflict in the event that laws they didn’t like were enforced by the government? Would these protester — these black protesters with guns — be seen as brave defenders of the Second Amendment, or would they be viewed by most whites as a danger to the republic? What if they were Arab-Americans? Because, after all, that’s what happened recently when white gun enthusiasts descended upon the nation’s capital, arms in hand, and verbally announced their readiness to make war on the country’s political leaders if the need arose.

Imagine that white members of Congress, while walking to work, were surrounded by thousands of angry black people, one of whom proceeded to spit on one of those congressmen for not voting the way the black demonstrators desired. Would the protesters be seen as merely patriotic Americans voicing their opinions, or as an angry, potentially violent, and even insurrectionary mob? After all, this is what white Tea Party protesters did recently in Washington.

Imagine that a rap artist were to say, in reference to a white president: “He’s a piece of $hit and I told him to suck on my machine gun.” Because that’s what rocker Ted Nugent said recently about President Obama.

Imagine that a prominent mainstream black political commentator had long employed an overt bigot as Executive Director of his organization, and that this bigot regularly participated in black separatist conferences, and once assaulted a white person while calling them by a racial slur. When that prominent black commentator and his sister — who also works for the organization — defended the bigot as a good guy who was misunderstood and “going through a tough time in his life” would anyone accept their excuse-making? Would that commentator still have a place on a mainstream network? Because that’s what happened in the real world, when Pat Buchanan employed as Executive Director of his group, America’s Cause, a blatant racist who did all these things, or at least their white equivalents: attending white separatist conferences and attacking a black woman while calling her the n-word.

Imagine that a black radio host were to suggest that the only way to get promoted in the administration of a white president is by “hating black people,” or that a prominent white person had only endorsed a white presidential candidate as an act of racial bonding, or blamed a white president for a fight on a school bus in which a black kid was jumped by two white kids, or said that he wouldn’t want to kill all conservatives, but rather, would like to leave just enough—“living fossils” as he called them—“so we will never forget what these people stood for.” After all, these are things that Rush Limbaugh has said, about Barack Obama’s administration, Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, a fight on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois in which two black kids beat up a white kid, and about liberals, generally.

Imagine that a black pastor, formerly a member of the U.S. military, were to declare, as part of his opposition to a white president’s policies, that he was ready to “suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do.” This is, after all, what Pastor Stan Craig said recently at a Tea Party rally in Greenville, South Carolina.

Imagine a black radio talk show host gleefully predicting a revolution by people of color if the government continues to be dominated by the rich white men who have been “destroying” the country, or if said radio personality were to call Christians or Jews non-humans, or say that when it came to conservatives, the best solution would be to “hang ‘em high.” And what would happen to any congressional representative who praised that commentator for “speaking common sense” and likened his hate talk to “American values?” After all, those are among the things said by radio host and best-selling author Michael Savage, predicting white revolution in the face of multiculturalism, or said by Savage about Muslims and liberals, respectively. And it was Congressman Culbertson, from Texas, who praised Savage in that way, despite his hateful rhetoric.

Imagine a black political commentator suggesting that the only thing the guy who flew his plane into the Austin, Texas IRS building did wrong was not blowing up Fox News instead. This is, after all, what Anne Coulter said about Tim McVeigh, when she noted that his only mistake was not blowing up the New York Times.

Imagine that a popular black liberal website posted comments about the daughter of a white president, calling her “typical redneck trash,” or a “whore” whose mother entertains her by “making monkey sounds.” After all that’s comparable to what conservatives posted about Malia Obama on freerepublic.com last year, when they referred to her as “ghetto trash.”

Imagine that black protesters at a large political rally were walking around with signs calling for the lynching of their congressional enemies. Because that’s what white conservatives did last year, in reference to Democratic party leaders in Congress.

In other words, imagine that even one-third of the anger and vitriol currently being hurled at President Obama, by folks who are almost exclusively white, were being aimed, instead, at a white president, by people of color. How many whites viewing the anger, the hatred, the contempt for that white president would then wax eloquent about free speech, and the glories of democracy? And how many would be calling for further crackdowns on thuggish behavior, and investigations into the radical agendas of those same people of color?

To ask any of these questions is to answer them. Protest is only seen as fundamentally American when those who have long had the luxury of seeing themselves as prototypically American engage in it. When the dangerous and dark “other” does so, however, it isn’t viewed as normal or natural, let alone patriotic. Which is why Rush Limbaugh could say, this past week, that the Tea Parties are the first time since the Civil War that ordinary, common Americans stood up for their rights: a statement that erases the normalcy and “American-ness” of blacks in the civil rights struggle, not to mention women in the fight for suffrage and equality, working people in the fight for better working conditions, and LGBT folks as they struggle to be treated as full and equal human beings.

And this, my friends, is what white privilege is all about. The ability to threaten others, to engage in violent and incendiary rhetoric without consequence, to be viewed as patriotic and normal no matter what you do, and never to be feared and despised as people of color would be, if they tried to get away with half the mess we do, on a daily basis.

Game Over.

Clip O' The Week - Spring Has Sprung

There are lots of reasons to be excited about today. After all it is National Beer Day. Who wouldn't be excited about that?

If only there was something else happening today that I could do while celebrating NBD. Here's this weeks clip.




Bonus Clip Cuz I'm Happy!

Things I Wish I'd Written - What's In A Name?

A League By Any Other Name: The Big National?

by Frank Deford

April 6, 2011

Here's something that's always intrigued me. Why do almost all groups of professional teams call themselves "leagues," but similar college aggregates call themselves "conferences"? It can't be because league suggests professionalism. After all, the purest college sports alliance is the fancy-schmancy old Ivies, and they call themselves the Ivy League.

There was one professional conference, the All-American Football Conference, which lasted for a few years in the 1940s, and gave to the NFL the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers.

Now, "association" has pretty much gone out of style –– except for basketball. The NBA got stuck with association in 1949, when the National Basketball League merged with the Basketball Association of America. I think sports people have decided that association sounds too intellectual.

For some reason, all leagues want to be "National." The National League in baseball is even called the "senior circuit." National always comes first, then American. You would think patriots would go with American first, but it's just never that way. Go figure.

Likewise, there are entirely too many college conferences that call themselves Big: the Big 10; the Big 12; the Big East; the Big South; the Big West; and the Big Sky. Please. Five bigs too many.

You'd think college people could be more original. The Big National would be the most popular name in sports. Maybe I should register bignational.com in case somebody wises up. Then I'd make 'em pay me, big time.

Once people name their conference or their league, sometimes they goof up terribly when they need to name divisions, too.

Like the Big 10 — which, by the way, is up to 11 teams now, going on 12. It is going to call its six-team subgroups the Legends Division and the Leaders Division. That is so lame. Those are the worst names since the National Hockey League named both its conferences and divisions after people –– like the Prince of Wales Conference. Oh, please.

Most leagues just go by the compass when it comes to divisions: your basic East and West, then into your Northwests and Southeasts.

The dumbest was in the NCAA basketball tournament, which for many years had the East Regional, the West Regional, the Midwest Regional and the Mideast Regional, which sounded like it was being played on the Gaza Strip. Happily, they've changed it to the Southeast Regional.

Some leagues also borrow the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans for division names. And "Central" is also popular. Smart. As coaches say: K-I-S-S, kiss: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Like, the Atlantic Coast Conference has two divisions: the Atlantic and the Coastal. Duh. My advice to the Big 10 is to get rid of Leaders and Legends and name its divisions the Midwest and the Central. Or the Little Six and the Small Six.

Frank Deford is a commentator on NPR's Morning Edition.

A Tradition Unlike Any Other

This is one of my favorite times of the year.

• The NCAA March Madness tourney is coming to a close.


• The folks at KJR 950 Sports Radio are beginning their annual Bigger Dance Tournament.


• Baseball Season has just started.


• And lastly the Masters starts on Thursday. It is a tradition unlike any other.

This year I thought I’d take a shot at sharing my top 5 favorite Masters. For those of you that know me you may be surprised at what came in at number 1 for me.

NO. 5 – 1996 The Shark is snake bitten

In 1987 Greg Norman lost the Masters to Larry Mize in a playoff. It was a sudden death playoff, and Mize shipped in from about 50 yards to win it. Fast forward to 1996 where The Shark begins Masters Sunday with a 6 stroke lead over Nick Faldo. Norman systematically fell apart for 18 holes, and Faldo reaped the rewards of his collapse. Golf is tough enough without the pressures of holding a lead on Sunday and this was mortifying to watch. I’d never wish this sort of thing on anyone.

No. 4 – 1997 “A win for the ages”

This was the phrase coined by Jim Nance as Tiger Woods putted in for par on 18. He won the tournament by 12 shots which was the largest margin in over 30 years. Colin Montgomery, Tiger’s playing partner on Saturday, said that he appreciated the way he drove the ball and chipped the ball, but did not appreciate his putting. Colin was making a joke at the time about how well Tiger played. He was 21 at the time.

No. 3 – 1986 “Maybe? Yes Sir!”

The first time I ever watched the Masters was in 1986. I was so sick I actually stayed home from church that day. I was treated to watching the Golden Bear become the oldest person to ever win the Masters. He was 46 at the time. He did not start the day in the lead but he over came Seve Ballasteros to win. Jack parred the 8^th hole after hitting his drive into the trees. He Birdied 9, 10,and 11. Eagled 15, and topped it all off with another birdie on 17. I was hooked from that moment on.

No. 2 – 2005 Next time center the logo

DiMarcco vs. Tiger. The tournament went into sudden death and Tiger ended up winning but we will all remember this one for the impossible chip in on 16. The video is below and Vern’s call is perfect. I’ll let him tell the story.

No. 1 – Stupid and dumb, but HOLY CRAP WHAT A SHOT!

I’m not a big fan of Phil “tits” Mickelson. Most the time I root against him. Last year was one of those times. So you can imagine how happy I was when he started struggling last year on Sunday. There I sat all smug watching Lefty struggle with his driver. The contenders (KJ Choi, Anthony Kim, and Tiger) were surging. Phil started missing both the fairways and the rough somewhere around the 7^th hole. On the Par 5 13 he put it into the trees. A normal, sane person would have punched out and chipped on to give himself a chance at par. Hell, his caddie Bones tried to talk him into doing just that. But he was having none of it. It was a defining moment that Tin Cup would have been proud of. From a pine needle laden lie, and from behind 2 trees he miraculously knocked it to 3 feet. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m guessing his adrenalin was running a bit strong because he missed the subsequent eagle putt but the birdie putt was a mere formality.

Now here's Vern to tell it how it is

Clip O' The Week -- Opening Day!

For Seattle Mariner fans today is opening day and King Felix is about to take the hill against the Oakland A's.

But for the first time in my life this year will be different. Dave Niehaus passed away during the off season. It won't be the same without the voice of summer. When I was a kid, hearing Dave on the radio was magical. It signaled the beginning of end of the school year. The weather would begin to get warmer. Mike, Tim and I would all pitch in and buy a bunch of tennis balls and wiffle bats. We'd freshen up the asphalt painted on bases that had warn away by the winter's weather. And with the exuberant call of "My Oh My" coming through the radio speakers we knew that baseball was here.

Here's your clip of the week.

Things I Wish I'd Written - The Science Of A Bloody Mary

Cocktail Chemistry: Parsing The Bloody Mary

by Adam Cole

You have no idea what's going on in that glass.

You have no idea what's going on in that glass.

The bloody mary, the signature brunch cocktail, had a friend in Ernest Hemingway. The famous writer bragged in a letter to Bernard Peyton that he introduced the drink to Hong Kong, and further claimed that "it did more than any other single factor except perhaps the Japanese Army to precipitate the fall of that Crown Colony."

I don't know about that, but the bloody mary does seem to hold a special place on the menu. It at least appears to be a healthier option than most drinks (it's mostly tomato juice, right?), and it's often touted as a hangover remedy. So how do you make the perfect bloody mary?

Hemingway's recipe involved a lot of "tasting-as-you-go", and a long list of ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, lime juice, celery salt, cayenne pepper (modern bartenders usually substitute Tabasco sauce) and black pepper.

"Each of those ingredients has tens of compounds, if not hundreds of compounds," Neil Da Costa, an analytic chemist working for International Flavors and Fragrances, tells Shots. "The bloody mary has been called the world's most complex cocktail."

He should know. Da Costa has used every trick in the chemist's book to analyze each ingredient, and the cocktail as whole. He presented his findings at a meeting of the American Chemical Society this week. Da Costas, an expert in food flavors, is chairman-elect of the group's agriculture and food chemistry division.

With gas and liquid chromatography, Da Costa isolated the wide variety of compounds that give the bloody mary its unique flavor. The drink covers much of the taste spectrum: sweet, salty, sour and umami — the savory taste of glutamic acid.

A visualization of the flavors in a typical bloody mary

A visualization of the flavors in a typical bloody mary

And, Da Costa says, the order of these sensations is appealing: first cool and refreshing, then spicy, and finally a sinus-clearing horseradish kick.

So what lessons can amateur bartenders glean from all this analysis? Make it fresh and make it cool, Da Costa says. Many of the ingredients are chemically unstable, so it's important to make your bloody mary from fresh ingredients and keep it iced to prevent deterioration.

Hemingway would agree. He jotted down at the bottom of his recipe, "Whole trick is to keep it very cold."

He went on to observe: "You can mix it so it will taste as though it had absolutely no alcohol of any kind in it and a glass of it will still have as much kick as a really good big martini."

So if you're aiming for that perfect bloody mary, splurge on the tomato juice, not the vodka. You might not even taste the cheap alcohol.

Neil presented his findings as part of the International Year of Chemistry a "worldwide celebration of the achievements of chemistry" organized by the UN and International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry.

"This was done to try and get chemistry to the masses," Da Costa says. "Anything you eat or anything you do - everything involves chemistry."

2011 Draft Class QB Rankings

Well here it is folks…the long anticipated (at least by some) 2011 Draft Class QB rankings. It’s no secret that I have developed a man crush on Colin Kaepernick but does that automatically mean that I think he’s the best QB in the draft? Not necessarily. I do think that with the current rankings that the “experts” have right now make Colin one of the best value picks at the position, but that’s another conversation altogether.

It looks like a really good QB class this year. There are a few guys that I believe are starter ready or extremely close. If you’re a fan of a team that needs to draft a QB in the first round you want one of these guys. By “needing to draft one in the first round” I mean that this is the biggest hole on your team.

Seattle and Buffalo do not qualify. It is a hole but it is not the biggest one. There are other more glaring needs at the O-line or on Defense that should have a higher priority. On the other hand, teams like Minnesota and Cincinnati need to draft a guy that can come in this year and compete for the starting spot.

So here it is. My listing, in order, of who I believe should be taken at the QB position during this year’s draft (less than a month away).

Ryan Mallet – the kid makes good reads. On several instances during his college career he made several reads and checked down when necessary. This is a huge difference from a QB that takes his first read and if it isn’t there he takes off running. At some point a QB will need to adjust and move to his 2^nd and 3^rd options. Mallet has shown that he can do that. His arm strength is good and I believe that he is the best QB in this year’s draft. He is starter ready. If you’re Cincy, Minnesota, or Washington and he’s there when your time comes, take him!

Christian Ponder – I actually didn’t want to like this kid. But after watching some film of him I’m impressed. He can play with his back to the defense, and makes decent reads. He does seem to have a tendency to lock in on a receiver and wait for him to uncover but I think you can coach that. I’d like to see him do more of the “see it – believe it – throw it”. He’s close to being starter ready than a lot of the other kids.

Jake Locker – Jake and Christian aren’t far apart in my opinion. Christian is a little more accurate but Jake’s arm is stronger. Jake makes good reads but needs some work on his In the Pocket mobility. Like Ponder he plays well with his back to the defense and is close to being starter ready. If he had been on a better team than the University of Washington (Auburn for example) we would all be talking about him going #1 over-all.

Colin Kaepernick – The numbers that this kid put up in college are insane. 10,098 yards passing. 4,112 yards rushing. 82 passing TD’s and 59 rushing TD’s. He was a 4 year starter and only threw 24 interceptions during that time. He has the strongest arm of any QB coming out this year and he can make every throw. Some believe that his wind up is too long and that may be the reason he slips into the second round. Most of the experts have him in the top 10 but not in the top 5. The question I ask you is simple. If you thought you could get a QB was responsible for 14,210 yards and 141 TD’s in four years in the 2^nd round of this year’s draft would you do it? Of course you would.

Andy Dalton – He’s very accurate, has average arm strength, and given the right system could really excel at the next level. He’s a decent manager of the game and reminds me a lot of Ty Detmer. In this case I mean that as a compliment because I think that Detmer got a lot out of what were (in my opinion) unimpressive physical attributes. The kid is a leader and depending on what system your team is running you’ll be happy with him.

Blaine Gabbert – He’s listed as the #1 QB on just about everyone’s board right now. So why do I list him 6^th? Well, there are a few things that concern me about him. First let’s go over what I like about him. I like the numbers he put up in college and I like his classic throwing motion. I don’t care much for his ability to adjust his reads during a play. And the film I’ve seen suggests that he gets happy feet and runs from non-existent pressure. If you’re not sure what I mean by that, picture a QB that is in no danger of being sacked. He starts to scramble anyway and runs himself into a sack or pressure that if he would have stayed put he’d have been just fine. Arm strength is pretty good but all in all he reminds me of Jake Plummer. This is not a compliment.

Cam Newton – He’s been called an Icon, an Entertainer, and an Athlete. All of these labels may be appropriate. What he isn’t, is much of a QB. I think he’s a good leader. I think that he is very charismatic. But when it comes to hitting the speed out, I’m not seeing it. His college numbers were reminiscent of Isaiah Stanbacks. That’s not meant as an insult or a compliment. It just is what it is. I think if he were able to put on 20 – 30 pounds he’d be a top of the line TE in this year’s draft.