Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Now Listen Up People


Now that I have your attention - Scarlett's really good for that - I thought I'd throw out a little music to my peeps this evening. A buddy of mine used to give me crap because a huge portion of my music collection consists of girl bands or girl solo artists. It's not my fault I have excellent taste. Here's 3 vids from different folks that I happen to think are pretty good.

She's Back And She's Angry Again
Alanis Morisette and Ryan Reynolds called it quits a while back (that bastard). Now he's dating Scarlett Johansson (THAT BASTARD). Well at least one good thing came out of it. Alanis went back to the studio to work out the angst. "Citizen of the Planet" is the opening track to her latest album.



Your Daughter Is Safe With Me, I Know Kick Boxing
I wish I could take credit for this next one but I can't. Truth is I'm probably the last person to know about this little gem but Sara Bareilles is a true talent. The fact that she not only doesn't butcher this song but absolutely nails it doesn't hurt. The fact that even despite her awkward looking snoz she's still a cutie puts her over the top. Give this vid a chance to load up entirely before you play it. It's worth listening to without any of the streaming pauses.




Yes It's Wrong. But It's Oh So Sexy.
When I was in Monterey I fell in love with Liz Phair. Exile In Guyville is still one of the best indie sounding albums ever. She's mellowed a bit - as do we all - with age. And she's a mom now so the lyrics to her songs aren't quite as raunchy as they used to be. Gone are the days of "Fuck And Run" and "Hot White Cum". In truth I miss them but one can't be 25 forwever. Here's one of my old favorites "Flower". Trust me when I say that the lyrics to this song are NSFW.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Whoops - Ok, We Were Only Kidding - He's Getting A Raise

You hear it all the time. Some radio station calls the unsuspecting victem and beginis to play a prank on them. Typically the prank is inspired by a listener. It's almost always funny to the uninvolved and ususally the prankee get's a kick out of it too.

But sometimes...well let's just have a listen shall we?

Ashton's Elaborate Ruse

I got a chance to watch this in its entirety last night. Oh he's a funny fucker indeed.




More from Daniel Tosh





Thursday, July 24, 2008

Hope Floats...Even Abroad



For those of you that weren't at home sick (like me) you may have missed something. Another Historic - in my opinion - speech was given today at the former site of the Berlin Wall.

So for those of you who missed it here it is. We're this much closer to being able to actually say we're Americans when we travel to Europe. Canadian accents are harder to fake than you might think.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Go See Cal



If you are in charge of a Sales force somewhere you may want to consider giving this guy a job. No, not Cal Worthington. The guy selling the mini-van out of Craig's List. Yes it’s long but if you read this thing all the way through, you almost feel like you should buy the van yourself. Or at least help him coax someone else into it.

Damn you Craig’s List! Damn You!

1995 Plymouth Grand Voyager LE - $1000 (Rainier Valley)
Reply to: sale-765875060@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-22, 3:56PM PDT

1995 Plymouth Grand Voyager LE “Rallye” Edition

I’m not going to lie to you. This car will change your life.

I bought this minivan in June of 04. I remember me back then: no prospects, jaded and selfish. I was an angry person. I needed to sell a classic car for something a little more modern (read: more space and didn’t break down all the time). I had a minivan previously that a friend sold to me for practically nothing. It was the same make and model only a few years older and for full disclosure a raging hunk of crap.

These minivans have never been very good. For as many as the Chrysler Corp sells, you’d think they’d make them way better. The Plymouth/Dodge minivans have notoriously crappy transmissions and guide valves, among other serious faults so I was apprehensive about buying another van then having to pay to fix the tranny (which costs more than the value of the car).

Then I met Mrs. Beepers here.

The guy who I bought it from was the original owner. It had low mileage for it’s age and he was old and kinda ugly so I didn’t see any kids running around. I’m feeling pretty confident that this mobile has never had the kid-puke treatment to the interior. And me being sterile (lawn dart accident) there have pretty much been no kids in the car. The ashtray was clean so I’m thinking he didn’t smoke in it and I don’t at all. When we came up with a price, he kinda flashed one of those devious smiles like the old shop owner in Gremlins who handed over the gremlin to the dad to give as a present.

Don’t get them wet and don’t feed them after midnight?!! That’s like giving a nuclear bomb to a monkey and putting a tempting oversize banana-yellow button on the top as the detonator.

I paid the man and rolled out in my next minivan.

Over the next few months, Beepers served well at its intended function. I am a photographer and I used it primarily for photoshoots for my models to get dressed in. It was a great life. We spent countless hours of quality time together… until Christmas Eve. I woke Christmas morning to go for a walk and noticed my car door open. Someone had befouled Beepers by breaking in and stealing the contents. I had a photoshoot the previous night and felt safe leaving my old lighting kit in there overnight. It was Christmas and my stuff was gone.

Violated by Santa Claus? I thought the same thing until I called my renter’s insurance company. They sent me a check for the REPLACEMENT value of my gear. To be honest, all of that stuff worked, but some of it was old and sucked.

One month later, I come outside to go to a job only to notice the dry patch on the street where the van used to be. Some maniacs stole my car. Seriously, what kind of crack smoker steals a minivan? If TV and movies have taught me anything, you ALWAYS steal either a muscle car or something tragically expensive.

Beepers was gone. I was starting to think I had bought one of those cars built on an Indian burial ground. Three days later, I got a call from the cops telling me they had found the car. I show up at the tow place to find a completely empty car. They took everything out of it there was including my garbage and left… yep you guess it: a crack pipe!

Again my renter’s and car insurance companies hooked me up with more high-dollar checks. Awesome.

A little while passed with much happiness and joy. I loved her and she loved me by never breaking down, starting like a champ and getting pretty good gas mileage. I also work for a delivery company so she had access to a fleet mechanic whenever she got that “not so fresh” feeling.

And them BLAAAMM! An oncoming sexy little Honda CRX turns in front of Mrs. Beepers. No signal, no warning. Let’s face it, this is a minivan with a huge 3.3 liter engine, four captain’s seats, and a bench in the back so it seats seven happy people. Although she’s well endowed, she does have kind of a big behind. She slammed into her rear quarter panel sending the CRX into a truck stopped at a red light on the street it was turning on to. As I leaned back from the steering wheel, I could sense Mrs. Beepers gloating. She taught a thing or two to that smarmy little CRX.

The impact, however slight, was enough to total both cars but Beepers, the plow horse that she is, drove away from the accident needing a serious nose job. I also got a pretty nice hernia from straining into the seatbelt.

So she sat there for awhile, still exhilarated from her street fight, but I was torn whether or not to fix her. She had been so good to me, but fixing a totaled car is often a silly idea. So I had a mechanic look up her skirt and make sure she was still solid. Clean bill of health.

During all of this, a windfall of checks floated in from the other driver’s insurance (and $1500 for the hernia!). Did you know that I made a ton of money by hitting a driver who switched to Geico? I ended up buying another minivan while deciding Mrs. Beepers’ fate. It was bigger and newer but didn’t have much soul. I suspect the new van is secretly plotting to kill me with burning oil fumes or something.

So I decided to fix her up and I used the bodywork guys nearby. They do awesome work, but I told him the deal and he assured he’d do it real cheap. And dammit, he did it really cheap! The problem is it looks kinda like one of those nose job photos that they use to convict drug-addict plastic surgeons.

The front grill and headlights look a little wonky and the front bumper is a different color from the rest of the trim. Kind of like when you spend the day in the sun and notice the still pale skin under your bathing suit. Yes Mrs. Beepers is showing her tan lines, but she’s proud and empowered.

Since the shake up, I’ve been letting my girlfriend drive her. She really was the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. Smart, funny, cute, emotionally mature, and only a little crazy. We had an awesome relationship up until I decided that I ~really~ loved her. I didn’t do anything drastic like asking her to marry me or share bank accounts or even get matching pantsuits, but that tiny little difference SCARED her. She felt trapped and slowly backed away. I’ve been going nuts for three months trying to do everything I could to bring her back to happy.

All the while, she promised me that she would buy Mrs. Beepers only to bring the van back and a final goodbye. Left inside the car were little “clues” that she has moved on. It’s so hard to imagine someone I loved so deeply as being so cruel.

As much as it felt so good to drive this van around again, it’s also stained with my heartache. I would want nothing more than to keep it and drive it when I’m feeling hateful about my newer van, but it’s a tearful reminder of what I once had. Don’t get me wrong, I’m feeling better each day and have gained a lot of perspective since the breakup, but I think I have to get rid of this thing to help me heal completely.

_________________________________________
Beyond the front end, this car is the best mini I’ve ever owned because every other one I had cost me thousands to operate. Breakdowns, stalls, total meltdowns, etc. In the entire time of ownership, beyond the regular maintenance like oil, plugs, filters, I have only needed to replace the EGR valve. Whatever the hell that is. Some things I replaced because she was being good (new oxygen sensor!). This baby is solid in every other way. Mechanically, she’s awesome except for the wonky looking headlights and the off-color front bumper and the scratched up back bumper. At least it doesn’t have a blue quarter panel and an orange hood!

I owe a lot to this car. It’s the only car I’ve ever bought that actually made me money. It also ensured that my girlfriend could sleep over at my place. She lives on Cap Hill and sleeping there is like trying to sleep during a prison riot. Because of this car, I actually have a retirement account. Let me break it down:

Me before Mrs. Beepers…
1. Broke
2. Lazy
3. No taste
4. Ugly
5. Incontinent
6. No future
7. No girlfriend

Me after Mrs. Beepers…
1. I have a savings and an IRA
2. I’m a mean go-getter
3. I own a bunch of sweet original art
4. Dead sexy
5. Depends!
6. I’m going places!
7. Again, no girlfriend

I did have a lot more hair before I bought this car, so if logic holds true, you’ll probably go bald too. And try not to let anyone you love drive it. It might end up badly.

OK you’ve read this far. That means you really want this car so I’ll give you some particulars:

135,000 miles
3.3 liter V6 engine (you can tow a trailer if you get the tow package)
Automatic transmission
Power steering
Power brakes
Power door locks, windows, and mirrors
Power back wing windows
Tilt steering wheel
Keyless remote
Roof console
Tinted windows
Premium Infinity speaker system with amplifier.
AM/FM Tape deck
Alloy wheels
2 back captain’s chairs and 1 bench seat (all removable)
Leather wrapped steering wheel
Clear title
Maintained by a fleet mechanic

I’m not completely sure what the “Rallye” edition means. I think it’s just the bigger engine and the two toned paintjob (white/silver trim).

I want $1000 for it. Kelly Blue Book (KBB.com) values this car at $2920 for the “good” rating. Even if you consider it “fair” since it’s been in an accident, they still list the price at $2450. I’m asking less than half of what it’s valued at and the exact price it will cost me to move into a new apartment. If you’re buying a car as an investment, don’t buy this car. If you want something that’s safe, sound and sweet that will roll for a long time and don’t care about its value, Mrs. Beepers is your girl. This is the classiest way to get places with six of your children, homies, or naked models. You decide!

I do recommend having insurance because of her spotty past. She might just make you rich like me. That is if you love her like I did.


Monday, July 21, 2008

As the kids say..."Hells Yeah"

The Imax isn't much for showing pre-feature trailers but they did show this one. The wait is almost over.

Nuff Said

Work In Progress

I love Rube Goldberg machines. They are entertaining and extremely clever. The problem is that most companies have mastered the art of emulating these machines. Each of them using complex procedures and processes to accomplish even the most simplest of tasks.

So ask yourself…do you work here?

Monday, July 7, 2008

You Idiots! Madonna Is A Mets Fan.




I live in Seattle so I believe it's safe to say that July 7th just became a holiday. It's even better than April 15th - the day Howard Shultz announced that he had hired a lawyer for the purpose of sueing Clay Bennett. Not that we want the Sonics to stay but it's pretty cool that he considered it. I digress. Today is a holiday because today is the day that Cynthia Rodriguez, wife of Alex Rodriguez, officially filed for divorce.

Madonna was NOT listed anywhere in the filings but that won't stop the media from continuing to work that angle.

Say it with me sports fans...half of Two Hundred and Fifty Two Million Dollars is One Hundred and Twenty Five Million Dollars. And she'll have just as good of an October On Base Percentage too.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I'd Like To File A Complaint

First a little bit of house keeping. I really should thank Matt, Katie, & Michael for hangin' with me today and making this a memorable event. Despite the 'drama' at the U-Village I really felt good about what we did today. You guys rock!!!

If you read the previous post and thought to yourself, what a bunch of crap! Or thought, I can't believe that happened to them. And if you'd like to make a small statement of your own I encourage you to call the Management Office at the University Village. I happen to have the number because the security guard that harrassed us off of the premises gave me a card and hand wrote the number on it for me. He also wrote that they are open Monday thru Friday from 9 - 5. You can call and ask them why they are anti-hug at (206) 523-0622.

If you do call let me know. I'm curious to see if they change their tune. And speaking of tune - here, once again, are the Sick Puppies performing an acoustic version of the song that the Admiral is sick of hearing.

All The Same

Saturday, July 5, 2008

...With Liberty And Hugs For All


As interesting days go, this one easily makes the list. It started out innocently enough. Being a four day weekend I decided to sleep in. Having done so successfully (for me) I felt refreshed and ready to tackle the day.

On my list of things to do were – laundry, play video game, football research (Fantasy Football is only a few weeks away), and lastly make signs for Free Hug Day on Monday. A pretty easy day all in all. Certainly there would be some later frivolity at a bar with friends but the majority of the day was going to be a breeze. Ah yes…The Perfect Plan.

As some of you are aware, anytime I have a “perfect” plan something is bound to go wrong. You’d think I’d learn.

Today “wrong” came in the form of a voice-mail indicating that last year Free Hug Day was on July 7th but this year it’s on July 5th. HOLY CRAP THAT’S TODAY!!!! Time to do the mad dash of shower, create-a-sign, and be a better person.

But first there were some phone calls to make. A quick call to Meg Ryan. OK not really but have you ever noticed how Meg always gets stuck playing the same character? Well that’s how it is with a friend of mine. No matter what’s going on she’s always the same person. She’s never “out of type” which is fast becoming a running gag for me with her.

Then I rang another interested party to tell them what an idiot I am in not realizing that I had the date wrong.

Having done that it was off to the drug store to pick up supplies for sign making. A simple enough task and one that I pulled off with ease. I’ll spare you the anal retentive ordeal I went through in creating my sign. Let’s just say it took me an hour to make a really crappy sign that said nothing more than “FREE HUGS”. It took the other two participants 20 minutes combined to make some pretty good signs. So shoot me, I’m not an artist.

We decided to go to the UNIVERSITY VILLAGE HERE IN SEATTLE. I wouldn’t normally say exactly where but it’s important so deal with it. Now for those of you that aren’t familiar with THE UNIVERSITY VILLAGE HERE IN SEATTLE it is an open air shopping mall. Also, in fairness, going there was a decision that I made so anything negative that came out of it is purely my doing.

The Plan – perfect as it was – was to sit in the outside portion of Atlas doling out hugs and drinking beer. What could go wrong with that? Well thanks to all the rednecks in Alabama that continue to drive trucks bigger than my apartment it rained this morning. This means that the outdoor portion of Atlas was closed off. Bummer! Not to be deterred we opted to offer hugs just outside of Atlas while coming inside every so often to sip on the beverages that we’d ordered.

From there things progressed the way I’d expected them to. Some folks were a bit leery of the idea. Some gave odd looks. And so it went for the first few minutes. But the idea is that you don’t approach people. You let those that want a hug come and get one. After all, they’re free. And so it went that after a time folks came up to us and asked if they could have a hug. There’s something pretty wonderful about that particular moment. One guy had just been fired. Another lady had had a horrible week for various reasons. Some folks just wanted to help keep it going. There were plenty that walked by with their head turned away to avoid eye contact. That was perfectly fine.

We weren’t there to create guilt. Only to lend a smiling face and a hug if wanted.

As you would expect though, it was too good to last. Didn’t I mention that it was a perfect plan? About an hour and a half into our vigil at the UNIVERSITY VILLAGE IN SEATTLE the Rent-A-Cops showed up.

“You can’t do this here” they said.

“It’s against the rules” they continued.

There was a dialogue between us that broke with them running off to huddle up and call their superiors. The writing was on the wall though. FREE HUGS were NOT WELCOME AT the UNIVERSITY VILLAGE IN SEATTLE. I was a little dismayed. I really felt that this was a fairly progressive city. That these were the sort of things that you might run into elsewhere but not here.

When the Rent-A-Cops returned I was ready for them. I knew that they were going to kick us out but I wasn’t going to allow that to happen without a fight. Not enough of one that it would land me in jail mind you but if I could make them feel small for doing what they were doing then in my mind they deserved it.

AG - “Is the management at the U-Village really going on record as saying that they are anti Hug?”

RC - “No sir, you just can’t have a sign that says ‘FREE HUGS’”

AG - “So then it’s the sign that bothers you?”

AG - “Could I wear a t-shirt that said ‘FREE HUGS”

RC - “Uhhhhh”

AG - “What if I put the sign down and just paced back and forth declaring that it was ‘FREE HUG DAY AND I’M OFFERING UP HUGS TO ANY ONE THAT WANTS ONE’?”

RC - “I’m not sure I understand sir.”

AG - “My question is, is the U-Village anti Free Hugs or are they just anti Free Hug sign?”

Sigh…you get the gist. As I said, the writing was on the wall. After some time we packed up our things and ran to higher ground. By higher ground I’m referring to the heart of the University District. We had a much better reception there but it wasn’t the same environment.

I have a greater respect for what Mr. Juan Mann endured on his journey. Next year the 3 of us have resolved ourselves to going into Downtown Seattle where we hope/believe the reception will be much better.

Have you hugged someone today?

Eulogy



No Bozo's! It's one of those childhood images that we all instantly recognize. Mr. Yuck also comes to mind. Well last week this image became official as Larry Harmon passed away at the age of 83. When you read a eulogy in the paper they always tell you what that person's familiy situation was like when they "shuffled off". For Larry it could be said that he left behind millions of overaged children that will remember him always.

PS: I can't be included in the millions. I always found him to be obnoxiously cheerful and can truly understand how the No Bozo emlem came to life.



Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Clip Of The Week

If you were living in the Outer Limits you could almost make yourself believe that you'd never seen this movie before. It's amazing what a little editing and a shift in theme music can do for a movie trailer. Wow. Has it really been 22 years?