Team Lineups and Sob Stories

While golfing today with a couple of very young kids the topic of funny sitcoms came up. There were lots of good ones listed but when I mentioned a couple of shows that were in syndication by the time I was born I got a few blank stares.

Here now are two of the funniest memories of my child hood. The first skit is actually a remake of a skit done in the second show.If you've never seen or heard these before (shame) consider it my Sunday gift to you.

I Love Lucy

Abbott and Costello

Science "Fiction"?

On a general basis I get up waaaay too early on the weekends. Its always been this way. When I was a kid I would get up on Saturdays at 5:30 just so I could watch The Alfred Hitchcock Show - Alfred Hitchcock presents. Since then it seems that TV (at least on Saturday mornings) has gone severely down hill.

An example of what I'm referring to would be the 10 minute debate on Fox News on why the Democrats are outraged about soaring gas prices but not about how much it costs to buy a cup of coffee at the local coffee house. Seriously?!?!?!? Some things don't justify a response.

After turning away from this drivel I stumbled upon an Infomercial for something that looked really familiar to me. It's called the Scooba and its a floor washing robot. Its not the first of its kind but it is the only one that had a Saturday morning infomercial today. Here's a small clip of it. Its 4 minutes long and there were shorter ones but none of the other clips I found were accompanied by "Domo Aragotto Mr. Roboto" and there's no way I was passing that up.


If this looks familiar to you too it could be because The Fifth Element was on the tube last night and its a lot like the little robots that Gary Oldman's character used. And so the lovely ballet ensues...so full of form and color.

One mans art is another mans what the f@ck?!?!?!?!

So this qualifies as a great big head scratcher. Cy Twombly is an abstract artist that has been in his field for well over 50 years. He has his own gallery in New York and his numerous works have been on display in some fairly prominent places. On the list are the Venice Biennale in Italy, the Milwaukee Art Center, the Kunsthaus Zurich and the Musee National d'Art Moderne in Paris. His works have also been displayed in Houston L.A. and Berlin. If there's a big fancy museum somewhere he's been in it.

I myself, have been to none of these exhibits and after reading this story I don't care to. As the saying goes, "I don't know much about art but I know what I like". I digress.

A few days ago in France, at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Avignon, a woman was arrested for putting lipstick on one of Twombly's "paintings". Sam Rindy claims that she was so overcome by the piece that she had to kiss it. Given only this piece of info one could surely see why the museum would have a problem with what she did. My problem is not with Ms. Rindy. My problem is with Twombly and the museum.

You see the piece of art that was marred by the adoring fan was nothing more than a plain white canvas. To be fair it was a large plain white canvas (about nine feet by six) but just the same it was blank. I turned in a paper once like that and was told that if I wanted to pass the course I should start taking it more seriously. Twombly gets his piece of shit hung on a wall where it is currently valued at an estimated $2 million dollars. TWO MILLION FUCKING BUCKS!!! Are you insane?!?!?!?

Seriously?!? Am I the only one that believes he had some sort of mental block and just said, "here you go, here's my latest piece" all the while thinking to himself "fuck it, I don't give a shit anymore"? And these assholes bought into it.

Sigh...

Mmmmm Beer

Yet another valuable lesson learned today. I share this with all of you because I care. GET THE I.T. GUY DRUNK!!! Oh the things you learn. For example...

"Did you know that so and so was sleeping with so and so?"

"Hey this guy is seriously into some weird ass shit!? We're talkin MSNBC type shit!" And you know the show I'm talking about.

"Dude, when you worked here your boss was really trying to screw you over."

OK that one hit home a little bit. I'd always suspected it was true. That's what can happen when you work for someone that you know is a weasel but you've made the mistake of calling him a friend in the past so you can't take it back. Turns out my instincts were right. OH LET THE EXPLETIVES FLY!!!!

Ah well...I outlasted him at the company I formerly called home, and managed to leave it in good graces. He can't say the same. Lesson learned. Once an Asshole, always an Asshole!

Oh Billy Where Art Thou?

There's a line in a Billy Joel song that says "Everybody's talkin bout the new sound funny but its still Rock and Roll to me". Word!

Three Days Grace - Pain (3:37) I was introduced to this song by The Purple Painted Wonder

Nickelback - Animals (2:58)

I'm giving Cyemm the credit for the intro to this tune


And Finally one of the greatest Rock and Roll songs of all time (and because I know Orb will "LOVE" me for this) I give you AC/DC Thunder Struck (4:53)

Ice Ice Baby

I admit it I like Reality TV but this time we've gone too far. Don't they realize that there's no way we're laughing WITH them? Seriously!!!


More GLORIOUSNESS from VH1 to follow

Doh!!!

One of the dumbest commercials on TV right now makes me laugh every time I see it. It's one of the trailer spots for the Simpsons movie. It has Homer holding up a pig as it walks across the ceiling. The whole time he's singing "Spider Pig". Holy crap that's some funny ass shit!

Here's a pretty cool vid of someone that is obviously a huge Simpsons fan. Also check out this link where you can create your own Simpson's character http://www.q4nobody.co.uk/images/animation/Simpsomaker2.swf.

The Contender

They come from far and wide. Some of their names are well known. Others are more obscure. But for golf fans, or more specifically Tiger Woods fans, their names are often mentioned with a bit of a smirk and an eye roll for they are the “might have beens”. They are the “should haves” and “could haves”. They are The Contenders. Tiger’s resume is well known but worth repeating. Over the course of his 10 year professional career he has captured 57 PGA Tour victories and 12 Major Championship titles.


The first of them was David Duval. Winner of the 2001 British Open Duval was the other guy for the first 3 – 4 years of Woods’ professional career. He was a 4 time winner in 1998 capturing titles at the NEC, Kingsmill, Houston and Tucson. In 1999 he placed 1st 5 times to include the Players Championship. And in 2000 (arguably Woods’ best year as a pro) Duval won the Buick Open, essentially defeating Tiger on his home turf. More recently Duval has struggled. After winning the British Open in 2001 and being declared the man that could walk toe to toe with Tiger he has fallen off the grid. He’s had zero wins and only 2 top 10 finishes (both in 2002).

Dubbed by some to be the hardest working man on the PGA Tour Vijay Singh is the only contender to actually dethrone Tiger. 2004 was easily his best year as he won 9 tournaments and earned over $10 million dollars. On Labor Day of 2004, Singh won the Deutsche Banck Championship and overtook Tiger at the top of the World Golf Rankings. His was the first name other than “Woods” to sit at that position in 264 weeks. He has captured 3 Major Championships to include a win at Sahalee (just outside of Seattle), and a Green Jacket from Augusta National. Vijay really is a likeable character and in April of 2005 he was elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. Although he is still very competitive he has only won 7 PGA tournaments since the opening of 2005.

The face that has always lurked in the back ground is Phil (Tits) Mickelson. He is widely considered to be Tiger’s main rival. Truthfully I’ve run into two sorts of people, those who like Tiger, and those who like Phil. Winner of 31 PGA Tour victories including 3 Major Championships, his detractors think of him as the man who for so many years could not close things out on Sunday. Can any of you Phil Phans forget the “Disaster at Winged Foot”? The most recent example of collapse known as the Phil Phenomenon was last weeks Scottish Open. After leading the tournament all day on Sunday he found a way to give the title away on the 18th hole. Just this past Friday he missed the cut at the British Open. He is certainly the most talented of the contenders. And as is most often with golfers his biggest obstacle is himself. Those who love him call him Lefty because (despite doing everything else from the right side) he golfs left handed. He has a two inch vertical and a very comfortable C cup. "Is it his time?" No!

And finally there is El Nino. Sergio Garcia is a whiny spoiled Spaniard with a ton of talent and a 5 cent (or .05 Euro) head. Most of us first noticed him during his duel with Tiger during the 1999 PGA Championship. At that time he hadn’t yet opened his mouth and he was a young exciting player with an incredible enthusiasm for the game. His shot on the back nine that day from behind the tree is still one of those magic moments in golf. He hit it with his eyes closed (didn’t want to see it ricochet off the tree) and then ran as fast as he could up the fairway to see the results. Since then his best performances have been during the Rider Cup where he always seems to play his best golf. But the kid is still a punk. This past spring he spat into the cup after retrieving his ball and when asked about it shrugged it off as if it was the sort of thing that happens all the time. The world was watching dick head.

Still, he does deserve some credit. As of this moment he is the wire to wire leader at the 136th British Open Championship. His current success is being attributed to his new (lame ass girlie) belly putter. And as the putter has often been the weakest point of his game there could be something to that claim. Over the last 3 days he has looked unflappable and you can hear the Anti-Tiger Wing beginning to murmur now. “Could he be the one?” “He has all the talent”. “Unlike Phil he’s not afraid of Tiger”. In a way I almost hope El Nino can pull off the victory this weekend. It’s been a while since the media told Tiger he couldn't do something and he always seems to play his best under that circumstance. I will credit Sergio for one thing. He is always the most colorfully dressed on the course

Oh sure but they still taste like chicken

Underdog was not available for comment

Online cat crusaders save pets from Chinese chefs
Last Updated: Tuesday, July 10, 2007 2:27 PM ET


More than 800 cats were spared futures as feline meatballs destined for Chinese dinner tables, a newspaper reported Tuesday, after animal rescuers raised enough money to buy back the entire truckload of cats in a span of hours.
The China Daily newspaper said a well-known cat crusader from Shanghai, Duo Zirong, alerted police to halt the delivery on Friday as the shipment was en route to a slaughterhouse in Guangdong province.
Cat meat is a delicacy in the province and can be sold at 15 yuan ($2.08 Cdn) per kilogram.
Duo, along with her band of rescuers, blocked the truck in a parking lot in a Shanghai suburb for hours. Meanwhile, other activists mobilized support online, asking fellow cat lovers to donate funds to save them.
Prominent cat rescuer Huo Puyang, Duo's mother-in-law, said the cat dealers showed police "obviously forged" vaccination and inspection papers, indicating they were from a farm in Anhui province. She said the cats were in fact taken from the streets, and many were owned by Duo.
"The police believed them and would not allow anybody to take the cats, which were 'private property,' unless we paid," Huo said.
Several hours later, the group was able to pool together 10,000 yuan ($1,377.87 Cdn) — enough to buy all the cats. The group plans to set up a cat gallery on an adoption website and find new homes for the animals.

Random Thoughts During the M's Game

It's nice to actually return home from watching the hometown 9 and say that they won the game. Not that it wasn't without its little pieces of excitement along the way. Still - Mariners win, Mariners win, Holy Cow Mariners win. While there here are the things that Harvey, the Admiral, and I discussed (is it bad that I include the big imaginary friend that is Harvey?).

• During the 7th inning stretch as they sing the ritualistic "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" the Admiral leans over and says, "do they still sell Cracker Jacks here?". I ask you people...when was the last time you went to a ball game and ordered Cracker Jacks?
  


• Richie Sexton and his .202 batting average simply must go. I don't care who you get for him. The trade deadline is only a couple of weeks away. Marvin K. Mooney will you please go now!?!?
  


• Just after Kenji Jojima hit a "get out the rye bread Grandma it's grand salami time" Grand Slam it occurred to me that a few years ago the Mariners lost out on the Pudge Rodriguez sweepstakes. Sometimes watching the star player go to another team won't turn out as bad news. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I wouldn't love to have Pudge wearing the home town blue but its nice to have Jo Jo here now.
  


• Not enough baseball fans keep score during the game. Even less of them know how to.
  


• I really hate watching the grounds crew dance in between innings. Seriously! Am I suppose to lose sight of the fact that there's a baseball game going on? Is the dancing really that important? Give me f%cking break!
  


• The M's really aren't that great but they will be a solid spoiler team as the second half of the season progresses.
  


• Now more than ever WE NEED GRIFFEY at first base. Richie Sexton had as good a game as he's going to have. When it was all said and done he'd had 3 At Bats and manged 1 Hit, 1 Walk, and raised(?) his batting average to .201. Dear reader I would like to submit that even you could get a hit once every 5 at bats if I said to you this is your job and its all you have to do!
  


• Despite my skepticism J.J. Putz really is the real deal. That and "Thunder Struck" is obviously the most kickin ass coolest song ever for a major league closer. OK it could have been the beer but man that rocked.
  


• All the girls at the 100 level look like Porn Stars. Yes, even the Admiral!!

Flask Etiquette for Dummies

So while having dinner with a Customer this evening I mentioned that the flask I keep in my golf bag needs to be replaced. I'm not positive but I don't think it's keeping a proper seal and it tends to leak. Losing that much Scotch is always a bad thing. He replied with a story about how he gave his wife a flask many years ago back when they were still dating. I remained silent waiting to hear if he'd offered the gift properly. He went on to say he filled it with her favorite drink to which I began to smile and nod my approval of his flask etiquette. So I asked him, "What'd ya put in it?" His response mortified me. It was some sort of fruity concoction that consisted of orange juice and a few other ingredients mixed in with vodka. Had he been a friend of mine I would have berated him endlessly but since he was a Customer I did what I could to quickly change the subject before saying something I'd regret.

People, people, I implore you! Show some compassion. There are rules to giving a flask to someone as a gift. There aren't many rules but by God they should be followed.

1. Never give an empty flask to someone as a gift. This may strike some of you as a no brainer but trust me it happens all the time. Please note that it is acceptable to give an empty flask to a loved one if they are present at time of purchase.
   
2. Never fill the gift flask with something other than hard alcohol. Please, if you must fill it with a mixed drink it should be something akin to a Martini. Any other drink that consists solely of hard liquer is acceptable. By no means should anything with fruit be used. And for the love of God never ever fill it with a dairy or creme liquer.
   
3. Lastly, the gift flask should never be wrapped. If you must wrap it please put it in an appropriate sized box. Ideally the flask will be given to the loved one with a simple ribbon or bow attached to it.

There you have it folks. Three very simple and easy to remember rules. Nevermind that the Admiral says that its unfair of me to expect you to follow them if I'm making them up on the spot. Solid rules such as these should be obvious to all of us.

He's a Hell of a guy

The list of quotes that run through my head are too many to mention...Of course right at the top of the list is "Hell no he can't go" Hell hath no fury whatsoever" "Hell if he knows" "Hell be comin roun the schoolyard". Ah Hell, I suppose I'll let it drop for now. (Screw you for judging me).

If names are derivative of something once upon a time sensical then how in the “Hell” do you come by that last name. Smith is fairly obvious, Johnson makes sense as well. But what did your family do to get the name Hell?

Hell of a name gets boy banned from Australian
school



A boy called Hell has been barred from enrolling in a Catholic school
in Australia because his surname jarred with its religious teachings, the child's father said Monday.

The youngster's dad, 45-year-old Alex Hell, has expressed outrage after the primary school in the southern city of Melbourne
allegedly refused to admit his son, Max.

"We are victims of our name," said Hell, whose name is of Austrian origin.

"We're quite devastated by the whole thing," the Catholic father of three told the Australian Associated Press.

"It's 2007, not 1407 -- it's not the Dark Ages."
Hell said that at one point he offered to change his son's name to his wife's maiden name of Wembridge, a suggestion that he said was welcomed by the principal of St Peter the Apostle primary school, Michael McGrath. But he changed his mind, and was then told that Max would not be able to attend the school, Hell said.

School officials later had a change of heart, but Hell now says there is no way he will ever enrol his son there. "The school has turned around and said Max can go there, but why would you want to go there after being victimised?" he said.

"I'd rather go to another school -- we had no problem with the public
school but we just wanted to further Max's education," Hell said, adding that he would move his family to the nearby city of Geelong and put Max in another school.

St Peter the Apostle School said it had offered Max a place and
confirmed that Hell had offered to change his child's name. "The issue of a change of surname of the child was an initiative of the parents which they believed would assist the child in the transition of schools," the school said in a statement.

"The school is working with the family in the best interests
of the child," the statement added.

The East German Judge Gave Her a 7

In terms of gruesome videos I can take quite a bit. Watching the skater boy take one in the nads as he tries to traverse the hand rail at the local business complex cracks me up. I'm old enough to vividly remember the skier that bit it every Saturday on ABC's Wide World of Sports (ah the agony of defeat).

This morning I read an article (http://sports.yahoo.com/top/news?slug=ap-china-gymnastinjured&prov=ap&type=lgns%3Cbr) about a Chinese gymnast that broke her neck during a practice routine. She's making a fairly remarkable recovery from what has typically been a fatal accident. 98.5% fatal in fact.

Alas...if there's a statistic like this one then there's bound to be a vid of it somewhere. If you're a sick twisted individual like myself then enjoy the train wreck that ensues. If you are faint of heart or have a week tummy I beg of you to look away.