Can You Smell What the South Is Cookin?

As symbols go we ‘mericans are fond of things that are solid and reliable. And while a statement like that could bring into question a lot of the decisions that are made in the American Auto Industry there’s no denying our love of rocks. Insurance companies recommend that we get a piece of it, the Bible tells us the glories of some place called Gibraltar, and the damn Pilgrims allegedly landed on one of the fucking things. Hell, even the entertaining brilliance of Jerry Bruckheimer has cashed in on the idea.

So is it any wonder that two states here in this great(?) land are now fighting over one?

It’s called Indian Head Rock and it’s about the size of a VW Bug. It has little carvings of faces and letters in it that make it look more like Graffiti Head Rock if you ask me. So what’s all the hub bub, bub?

Well his name is Steve Shaffer and he is an upholsterer by trade. When he was a kid he listened to stories about IHR (back then it was called Portsmouth Indian Head Rock) and how back in the 1800’s it was quite the attraction. The IHR was first written about in an archeological publication 1847. People would come from miles around to see the graffiti (my word, not his).

But back in the 1920’s the rock was submerged as a result of navigational dams raising the river. It would never be seen again. That is, until Shaffer got the itch to see the embodiment of childhood legends (it’s a fucking rock people). He and his buddies spent 3 years swimming the river looking for the IHR all to no avail. Then one day he got lucky and found it. He saw the face first. Then the initials and other letter carvings. The dream had been realized.

So what now you ask? Dig that bitch up of course. (Seriously?!?!?!? You’ve gotta be kidding me!!)

Nope. Steve and crew did just that. They dug the icon up and donated it to Portsmouth.

Now here’s where things get interesting. The Rock was found in the Ohio River which is of course in Kentucky. Shaffer of course using the thing we like to call logic donated what was originally called the Portsmouth Indian Head Rock to Portsmouth. Which as you’ve probably guessed by now is in Ohio. No big deal right, because it’s just a fucking rock?

Wrong!

The mayor of Portsmouth, recognizing that the Ohio River is in Kentucky, offered the IHR to the town of South Shore, KY. Why there you ask? Well it’s right across the river so it seemed to make the most sense at the time.

The officials of South Shore said “no thanks” (apparently they don’t have a rock shortage in South Shore) and instantly became my heroes in this debacle.

So having got the “you guys go ahead and keep your rock” answer from their neighbors, the good people of Portsmouth made plans to put the IHR on display. End of story right, because it’s just a fucking rock? Right?

Wrong!

Enter Jack Conway, the Kentucky Attorney General. He heard about all of the goings on with the IHR and wrote a letter demanding the return of the IHR to it’s proper owners. (Seriously!?!?!?) In the letter Conway stated that the IHR is a “registered antiquity in Kentucky…”

Now I’m a big fan of elipses but sometimes there’s a feeling that the omission could have changed the context of the actual quote. Here’s the full quote for you. “This was a registered antiquity in Kentucky and it was taken, and that’s theft of an antiquity under the statute.” See how much nicer my version was? At least mine didn’t make Conway seem like such a dick. He’s getting legal over a fucking rock!

Jumping on the Moron Movement is Kentucky State Rep. Reginald Meeks. He’s pissed about the whole thing. “First of all, I couldn’t believe that individuals from one state could brazenly come across the border and basically invade another sovereign state,” he said. Then, as politicians are known to do, Meeks wrote a resolution that passed unanimously. Unanimously!?!?!? You’re telling me there wasn’t one person in the room that stood up and said, “point of order please but this is a FUCKING ROCK we’re talking about”.

Of course now that Kentucky has lawyered up so to speak Ohio has to do the same. The folks in Ohio are now contending that the IHR was abandoned and that if they knew where it was they should have gone and gotten it themselves.

As for Shaffer, who just couldn’t leave well enough alone, he is facing potential jail time on felony theft charges.

Lastly there is the IHR. What is it doing during all of this? It is sitting in a Portsmouth garage awaiting disposition.

As my friend Cyemm would say, common sense has taken another shot to the head here.